October 30, 2008

Halloween Pradesh guidelines for a horror movie!

Muahhhaahahahhaha, the Nagin!
Reena's queen of the Halloween Pradesh!

It's halloweeen, my favorite time of the year, all the better to add a new Masala Pradesh state, the Halloween Masala state, a state where the Ramsays and Ram Gopal Varma movies belong. Many other movies that aren't scary simply fit here because they are so spookily god awful many including the 80's masala cling-on projects of Amitabh, Shatru, and Dharam! So like my other posts on new Masala states I'll list some key ingredients to add in the horror cauldron.
  • A horror masala must feature a hero past his prime ala Sunil Dutt in Jaani Dushman, romancing a daughterly-young heroine ala Reena Roy! Many Ramsay movies feature Shatru in his "portly beer-gut of manliness" which hinted at his past-prime looks
  • The copy of the film is terrible usually Ramsay and some other idiotic Southie directors directed in grainy and 80's camcorder style which makes it impossible to be scared as the images are horrendously pixelated and more scary is the picture quality
  • A horror movie from Bollywood more than always is a slasher or possession flick, the easiest target of possession is a busty lady ala Parveen Babi in the shoddy Telephone where she is haunted literally by a telephone which rings her up trying to kill her and she runs to past-sell date Shatru who spooks out the phone by throwing it against the wall but magically by wonder SFX it reforms
  • A horror movie needs to have masala ingredients of a long-lost bhai/bahen/hamster that will get killed by the other haunted brother, usually before they die they reveal the source of the black magic before squelching in pain and sighing into death
  • Most 70-80's movies have a Scooby Doo like quality, where the haunter is a beast or fugly looking animal suit, through a series of shocking/stupid conclusions a mask or transformation is pulled off, and the haunter is the least expected person sometimes!
  • A helpful dose of sleaze is incorporated in the movie, usually the shite ones from the 80's a lady usually takes off her top, only showing the back of course, or a man strips down to his undies in somehow porny-horny scene. Or a horrible love scene is attempted!
  • Lollywood (Pakistani film industry) is the reigning king of the Horror State they are even sleazier and seedier, they incorporate busty babes, fugly men, and lots of suggestive sounds when the haunter comes to kill people
  • A nagin is always a good topic to be some type of horror movie, I liked the Reena Roy Nagin simply coz she killed so many hot guys using her charms and assets, but she was a doll in the horror genre, always present in the 80's backwass horror she spooked out anyone with the sheer scream of NAHIIII!!!!Reena Roy slasher flick
  • The newer horror flicks like Raat,Bhoot, Phoonk, Bhoot, and Kaun are all good examples of how horror movies can be made well. Ram Gopal Varma is a god compared to the rest of the horror directors that have come out recently. He's able to spook us as well as making us think.
  • Urmila, I love her- is becoming the new Reena Roy with all her horror movie namely Kaun, Bhoot, Naina which were all good shows of her talent. She was bloody fantastic in Bhoot, and Ram Gopal always gets the best out of her
  • Some preposterous Bigfoot is used in manyy movies, as a kill every girl you see type movies that the Ramsays made, usually they had fugly apeish hair, and massive jaws to bite into the necks of the Reena's and Rekha's of the day
  • Ramsays can be blamed for the backwass that made me make a horror Pradesh, but sometimes they made a good movie once in a while like Telephone, which was a novel idea about a telephone trying to haunt Parveen, and the silly Darwaza! They tried earnestly to make a scary movie, often failing and make a clap and laugh-worthy movie
  • Rajkumar Kohli who made Jaani Dushman and Nagin was one of the better horror directors, both were good movies with a humungo cast, that more or less got killed in each of the 3 hours alloted!
  • Of the non-horror movies, and just plain horror of the past-sell date movies there are many with Amitabh. One spookily awful one was TOOFAN, Todd reviewed this brilliantly at Teleport City, Toofan is just absolute carp and backwass that it needed to be here
I hope you have a spooky Halloween, and do sign up to be my under secretary of the Halloween Masala state, or even attend the Spooky school of the Ramsays!BOOOO, says Toofan!


Anonymous said...

A new Masala-Pradesh - you're certainly doing your research on masala. Have to admit though that this is one Masala-Pradesh that I wont want to travel through! It consumes too much patience to sit through even 15 min of one of these.

Shweta Mehrotra Gahlawat said...

Happy halloween Rum! I've certainly had my fill of horror this month, and looks like u did too :D