December 21, 2010

Annual Bakwaas List of 2010 - Rage Rage Against the Dying Filmi Light

The Exact Expression of Bakwaas detection

Yes I did just quote Dylan Thomas in the title, I'm terrible! Well 2010 is almost up and looking
back on the movies I saw, there were an absolute ton of duds that got the Bakwaas Stamp on them. Being me, I can usually put up with a lot of bakwaas and batshit things, but since moving away from home and stocking up on crappy copies of the latest films, I look forward to watching these films because there's nothing much to do there and when a film is bakwaas, then Masala Rum khush nahi hua! Perhaps some of this borne out of my absolute ire for the uncl
e dvdwallah who occasionally has a good copy of a film months down the line, but bakwaas is just bakwaas. Warning: A lot of these mini-reviews have spoilers and an air of 'How-could-i-buy this-bollocks' and maybe an occasional swear word!

Budtameez ladki put some clothes on!

1. Pyar Impossible - YES, I realize this is an Uday Chopra vehicle to resurrect his flagging career, but if you read my Shameful Classics post on Neal n Nikk, I went on a whole diatribe praising Uday and his iconic shameful status in this Masala Pradesh universe. So I was shamefully looking forward to this, maybe because he was so earnest in interviews and in his other films. I shamefully liked it the first time round but again I was high on sweets, but a sober second rewatch and this film was just the pits. And shame of shames Uday wrote the script! Nahieeeee! First of all we have Priyanka Chopra being the male gaze object of the piece wearing the hoochiest clothes around, and no wonder this nerd fancies the pants off her if she dresses like a besharam ladki to the office and around. And the egregious product placement of Apple computers, I felt sorry for this supreme loser that Uday played if he got cheered up by looking at a Mac computer. And Priyanka plays some sort of software person, when she bailed out of school and wears the tightest and most revealing outfits to meetings. I know I'm just being a disgruntled git for raging against the male gaze who obviously got there money's worth ogling Priyanka, but I can safely say as earnest as Uday was, he should permanently retire unless he can find a better glory project for himself.

The extremely lackluster debutantes

2. Sadiyaan - If you follow me on twitter, then you'll know my my snippet of a war with Luv Sinha, I slagged him off after seeing his debut film in a blunt way, and either him or his twitter slave sent me his Facebook page! I hooted with laughter that day and vowed avengeance and then he deleted his reply but my glory and claim to Page 3 fame is tearing down a star son. I'm gonna censor myself this time round and be rather blunt in a thoughtful way: this movie was just a terrible launch for that kid. I'm not gonna deny that he tried valiantly to conjure up emotions that were probably there, but seriously a filmi baccha could do better than that! What's more the director piled on the evergreen stars like Rishi Kapoor, Hema Malini, Rekha, and Javed Sheikh who do a good job and carry the film on their shoulders. But the lead pair were far too mousy and weedy to do a good job, but I had a riot with my maa and sister making fun of the whole film which was mawkish to the extreme and awkward to watch that kid do all the typical hero work like doing a Punjabi song, kissing the gal, having a showdown but being as effective as a potato trying to recreate Macbeth! Avoid yaaron

3. Badmaash Company - Yet again I liked this the first time, because Yashraj have injected some sort of 'immediately I love you' syndrome into me, maybe its the opening aaaaaaah's by Lata that get me. But this was not a stinker in that was shite the whole way through, but that it was far too posey and pretentious than it needed to be. I was absolutely amazed by how many 'look how cool and hipster we are' strutting and swaggering slow motion walking shots, and the 'lets all have fun' montages that were piled on in this films in the place of an actual storyline that was not the beaten to death farmoola of con films. The cast did the best they could with such silly material, and the director probably shouldn't have admitted he wrote it in 6 days to Taran Adarsh on his show, because it has gaping plotholes. And Meiyang Chang deserves some kudos to stick around in a film, where his schtick is 'haha the Asian guy' for his gang to make fun of him for, I hooted out loud in the cinema when he eventually proclaimed 'HUM HINDUSTANI HAI!' Bechaara, I hope he gets some Danny Denzongpa roles, because he managed to overcome his difference.

4. I Hate Luv Storys - I HATED THIS FILM! Maybe because I know girls like Simran who usually have emotional crises and this film just magnified those situations to a ginormous level that was just too much for me! I wanted to slap Simran for being so godamn overly romantic in ways that the film probably meant to spoof but really didn't, and Imran, as lovely and contemporary as he is, was such a dimwit for being so aloof. It started off so well with spoofing all the cliches but then it devolved into rubbish by succumbing to same useless cliches.

Two Mums, I would just die if it were these 2!

5. We Are Family - UGHHH this film was just awful for being the kind of mush that gives me a cheese-attack! I for one didn't mind the Stepmom, and the thought of Kareena and Kajol doing the Indian version was exciting...until I watched it! I know I'm not a mother and all that sentimental jazz, I got the Kajol's character was possessive and protective of her kids however she was a total cow to Kareena's character and it was just pie-inducing for me. I don't mind mushy films but this was overflowing like a cheese lake, and that was no good for me. Plus How dare they desecrate Elvis by butchering Jailhouse Rock, I mean the 'Pretty Woman' song did a nice job of Roy Orbison, but tackling the King is just terrible, and why feature a female gaze object like Arjun Rampal and not have him in it for half the film?!

Well there you have it, the ire released and I'm feeling all at ease for now except for the unnecessary dentist appointment tomorrow so the ire cycle begins again. I probably hated Anjaana Anjaani and Break ke Baad if I saw it, it's just the recent romantic films are so vapid and insistent on being cool and hipster-ish at the detriment of the story, when all we really want is a modern-up-to-a-point, channeling of a Rahul/Raj persona and the typical Indian romantic ingredients that are tried, tested, and ultimately the best!