September 28, 2008

Masala Pradesh's vision of a Masala Hero!

Sweetness, Eyelashesness, Curlyness, Gorgeousness personified as a Masala Hero

As Prime Minister and general ruler of the Pradesh, there needs to be a hero for which many others can emulate. Naturally in each era of Bollywood the needs and skills of a hero has changed so I thought of an all round list of what a hero may contain, using examples from each era to now.

  • Moustaches and stubbles are a must in the Pradesh in all states, he must have sported one in his career, as cute as my ANil's or as handsomely placed as Vinod's as Inspector Amar
  • A hero should always do a "broody cry" a type of cry where he furrows his brow, cries aloud, usually after a death, or fight with someone, Amitabh perfected this cry in all his movies, especially the Backwass Masala ones such as Coolie

  • Heroes need to be good dancers, especially when running in the fields, they should run about as if in love with nature and the girl, great ones are Shammi in any field, Shahrukh's sweet neck kisses, and Shashi always rolling down the hills.

  • A hero should be skilled in any kind of dance, the disco, the quawalli, the twists, Rishi is a prime example of this is exaggeratedly brilliant quawalli claps, his puffy-haired Rishi-liscious disco dancing, and his jumper clad runner of the fields.

  • A hero should always love his mother better than his girl, this is why he is soo devotional towards maa, that every decision is based on her happiness, as if the hero has a "What would mother want" decision bracelet

  • In a multistarrer a crowd-pulling star will usually get the most screen time, while leaving 2nd hero to find a maa, and 3rd hero to die a sacrificial death.

  • A hero must emote to the mountains when reunited with a lost mother/father/brother/hamster this is necessary for any hero to prove his acting skills, running into the arms of the lost above is a good way or looking nostalgic to a lullaby a la Yaadon Ki Baraat

  • Heroes in multistarrers need to fill up time by getting two titan heroes to face off by wrestling or have a verbal-off. the fight needs punches, head locks, slaps, various scenery to go flying. The greatest example is the Kaala Patthar fight were apparently Amitabh and Shatru actually did punch eachother in their angry-off scene.

  • A hero's slap needs to be earth-shatteringly loud and produce a good expression of the villain afterwards, hollywood heroes aim for the punch first or the push, but our good Indian Masala needs a good ol slap first, a slap is waaay more effective, its more of a slap to the ego!
  • A hero's clothes say a lot about him, if he's in funky hats and suits like Shammi then he's swanky and sweet, if he wears his levi's and shirt open then he's an angry young man, if he has curly hair gorgeous eyelashes and smart khaki's then he's Shashiliscious, and if he wears a scarf around his neck a hairy chest and macho to the max then he's Todd's hero Feroz!

  • If a hero directs a movie, a humungo chunk of screen will be devoted to him while other heroes flounder and scene chew whenever they get a scene, but if a hero makes its his glory project like my nationalist pyar Manoj Kumar

  • A hero should have brilliant chemistry with his heroines ala charming Rajesh-Mumtaz, voyeuristic as Raj-Nargis, sexual like Amitabh-Rekha, sultry with Rajesh-Sharmila, sweet as pie Manoj-Hema, Off-screeny Dharam-Hema, biting as Shashi-Parveen, sexy/porny/horny Shash-Zeenat, sweet and real Farooq-Deepti and any more missing ?

  • And a hero must have amazingly good camraderie with his multi-starrer friends, my best being the sweeeet Shashitabh, the bad-assery of Shatroj, the screwball duo of Shammirendranath(you know it) always fighting Shashod, the titanly Raaj-Dilip, and any more missing?

  • Lastly a hero should capture our dil so much so that we sometimes hate to diss their movie such as Jumpy and romantic Shammi, dopey and weepy Rajender, humungo gorgeousness Shashi, sweet as pie always needed moustachioed Anil (my pehla pehla pehla pyar) the caffeinated and great Shah Rukh, the angry and stubbly Amitabh, the bad ass Shatru, the message laden Manoj, the porny horny sweet blobby Raj, the wonderful sounding RAAj Kumar, and more missing I'm surre
Watch out in a few days for the Masala Pradesh's vision of a heroine!


Crazy on Bollywood said...

No one can touch Amitabh in death scene.Oh he is the best in that role.Just think about the death scene from the epic movie Sholay and Deewar.

Anonymous said...

Rum, you are so positively exuberant! Nobody could be better suited as President (or Empress, or whatever title you want) of Masala Pradesh.

Keith said...

Poor Sonny Deol. Any time he dances, he looks like he's just trying to muddle through until he gets to the next fist fight.

Amitabh was always my go to masala hero, but Todd is making tremendous in-roads in converting me to the Church of Feroz.

ajnabi said...

Hahahaha! I'm ROTFL about the "what would mother want" bracelet idea.

Rum said...

crazy - i know, amitabh rocks in a death scene, especially the masala like Muqaddar ka sikander were he let his sweaty chest do the broody cry

Rum said...

memsaab - thanks so much, i shall crown you empress of the shammi state of masala pradesh

keith - sunny deol makes me gag when he dances in the fields, he stomps about like godzila and sounds like it as well

ajnabi - i think that bracelet was sub-consciously there on Shashi in deewaar and amitabh in any of his backwass masala movies.

Beth Loves Bollywood said...

FABULOUS. Inspired as always.

The Funkadelic State Ministry of Education and Culture is now printing this in attractive, portable brochure format to distribute to all new heroes-in-residence so they know what is expected of them. Tall order!

Rum said...

beth - thanks for the brochure, as ruler of the pradesh, its always good to know i have my states looked after!

a ppcc representative said...

"the porny horny sweet blobby Raj"


God, I love reading your blog.

Rum said...

ppcc - raj is all of those words, but also a great erotic envelope pusher in any movie post-Nargis!