Masala Pradesh Returns: Attack of the Moustaches!

Mouche+Shatru bombast = SWAGGER

First of all, let me say a resounding SOOOORRRRRYYYY! For being so behind on blogging and even twittering less and less these days! Life as we all know, smashes all of my favourite vices like blogging, tweeting like a teenager, watching movies all away come Uni time! And it really does make me sad, but fret not I shall always complain and grumble about the small town i live in and the lack of Indian films being shown here. If i didn't then mera naam Rumnique nahi!
Alas along with November being my birthday month, the male species have decided to make it so much more worthwile by adding some fuzz to their lips, and generally looking like dapper young men. Along with Ness and Dolce and Namak's mouche post, I had to jump on the bandwagon being the sheep that I am. Now that i enter the non-stationary age of 21, I thought my post had to tie in with my usual birthday post to talk about the formative moustache men of my life!
1. Anil Kapoor - Now you would think I've had enough gushing over my favourite man, but I haven't every year I thank the king of moustaches in my life: Anil! Take a bow sir, and slap for ruining my life as well, expecting all my gentleman callers to have such pompadour hair and glorious mouche like that on them! Over the years, like the ridiculous fan girl I am, I noticed that Anil had many different styles of mush like this:

A more manlier thicker one!

But I like the spontaneity he gives with his earlier films, from the pencil thin ones from Woh Saat Din to the iconic mush of Parinda and all of his later films. Like a fine wine, Anil's mush though now a very tame rectangular beard in his Hollywood films, just gets better and better to look at when i pop a dvd in from the 80's or Noughties, there are things to swoon over! So here's to the moustachioed man of my dil!


2. Jackie Shroff - my sister's old fave moustachioed man! Now here is where a mouche worked wonders for a man, that mouche made him look so mysterious and sexy! Again it all stems back to that wicked and evil first movie 1942:A Love Story where both Anil AND Jackie appeared in to begin the hysteria! Now before he got a bit blobby and appearing in a long line of mediocre movies, Jackie was my second fave moustache man and I used to go through almost all of his film on Zee Tv in London! And that mouche just worked with his image of the dark and brooding hero who loved to dishoom someone, growl out his lines, and occasionally frolic about in his infamous Speedo in Rangeela!


3. Raj Kapoor - again this might be a repetitive list of all the men I love who just happen to have moustaches but I shall argue that a moustache maketh the man! In the case of this RK, he was a very beautiful man and that mush gave him that edge that made me go swoony like I do with an Errol Flynn or Robert Taylor. He just had that look that would not be out of place in an old Hollywood film. In the case of Raj it certainly did as he just looked odd without it as in Aag where he looked almost pubescent! And I think when I saw Awara or Shree 420, that Raju the tramp look was helped by his look and the mush which was so distinct and pencil thin without being the usual stuck on line across your lip-look which heroes these days try and pull off! And I may need to add a whole new chapter to my long RK essay about his mush for another time!

The king of rakish mouches!

4. Shatrugan Sinha - Now a list without Shatru would be injustice in the Masala Pradesh! He just exudes rakishness and bad behavior, and I think the mush adds to that! When I saw the fabulous Blackmail and my first Shatru film, he just blew me away with his laconic and stylish attitude! He played the bad guy so well, and you could tell he meant business with those hilariously scandalous pictures he had with Rakhee! Now his moustache is all thin but he still has something dangerous about him even as an oldie!

5. Vikram - Ughh I'm already dying of mouche pyar attack! I don't what it is about Vikram, actually it's the mush of course, that gives me a fainting attack?! I saw him all those years ago in the original Sethu/Tere Naam and I had the usual preconceptions about South Indian films that the actors were all plain but moustachioed (it had some potential there!) and it was all OTT, but now looking back that is totally what I love about these films! And Vikram was just amazing in that movie and again the mush helps! He has that Jackie Shroff mysterious and dangerous look to him that just sets off any lady's swoon-o-meter!


6. Ajay Devgn - It is quite amusing to search for Ajay on search engines with the original surname Devgan bringing up his clean-shaven past, and the Devgn with his accepted and much better moustachioed look! Maybe its also the hair, the Devgan lad had the floppy Hugh grant silly look in his previous films, and with the mouche and tidied up hair he looks dapper and swoony again! In Singham with that mouche that was almost approaching his predecessor Surya's length, he managed to pull it off with style. And I have to say, that I can't stand him without a mouche, or if he has to be a grassless lawn then there must be some stubble or something there!

The Hall of Moustache Shame and InBetweeners

Sorry Surya, veering into the porn star mush!

7. Surya - I have really tried to like Surya with a mouche but he just can't get it right! Just look at the above one, what the hell is going on with the bass note looking curl there?! He nails the stubble look and the full beard look with aplomb but he is such an Inbetweener! He cannot find a mouche to appease the Masala Pradesh standards! But Surya is a seriously cute actor and his smile is unbelievably adorable so the judgement is that Surya with a stubble to almost clean shaven is a go, but try and hone in that mush one of these days!


8. Shahid Kapoor - Yeh kya bakwaas hai? was the immediate reaction to this nonsense fluff on his upper lip! I really do get what he was going for, trying to look older and a bit more distinguished, but this look is banished from the Moustache Land! Hell even a stubble makes him a look a lot better like in Kaminey, but bleeurgh!

The International Hall of Fame


9. Omar Sharif - It was my friend's mistake for taking me to see Lawrence of Arabia for the first time on the big screen. However gorgeous and cinematic Omar's little speck entry was, I coined it as 'The Entry of the most gorgeous moustache ever put to screen!" I managed to gasp egregiously loud and embarrassed my friend forever! But he is just exceedingly beautiful and to add to my shameful list I did gasp in another swoon attack when I saw him much later in 'Monsieur Ibrahim' he just aged so nicely but has maintained that mush that captured my heart when i was 17!

Yes, I needed a beefcake picture like that

10. Mouche deigned from heave+ tiny chuddi shorts = DUH.... (drools like Homer)

So there you have my top 10, and I am so glad to be back to blogging after so long, and I hope to be reviewing a lot more now that assignments and essays are almost done and due soon! ALSO honourable mentions to Abhishek who is hereby barred from going clean shaven, and Orlando Bloom who almost made me go and see Three Musketeers for his Anil Kapoor channeling! What are some of your faves?

Masala Moods by Dr Rum - Part 1

Anil is seething with my long absence as Empress of the Masala Pradesh!

I really sincerely apologize for leaving this great nation for such a long time. But with 3000 word film essays, my postcolonial art book, and just generally life I had to leave for a while. That's not to say I didn't read last month's 'Deol Dhamaka' like a proper blogger would, but I would have loved to have reviewed a few. Lekin fikr not as my grandma says, I AM BACK! Finished up school but now onto exams, but I thankfully have time to devote to myself.

If you've been following me on Twitter, then you'd recognize all these upcoming snazzy Masala symptoms or mood encapsulators! There is an actor and actress that can embody any symptom or mood you might be feeling when say your dog shits on a new rug, I'd classify that as a FURIOUS FEROZ! Or when you are very happy and feel like singing then you'd be a Lilting LATA! Onwards we go with Part 1 of probably many!

RRAAWRRR

1. Moody Vijaya - My personal favourite that I coined. You know when you're a MV when you are prone to having slanging matches with the gods at a temple, when life treats you unfairly. This was the first symptom of a full-blown Masala Maniac that I had experienced, especially during the essay crunch time, I would become Moody when reading all these identity probing articles for my postcolonial class. I would adopt a snarl, and have a bombastic dialogue likely written by Salim and Javed if someone annoyed me. This phase can last for a while, but every Moody Vijay(a) has a counterpoint of being a Vivacious Vijay, but sometimes this defeats the purpose when adopting an 'Angry Young Man/Woman' stance in life.

2. Sunny Shashi - Now this may be a conflicting one because we have a Sunny Deol who is quite Sunny in some films. This works far better with Shashi, because this mood works just dandy when you are friends with a Moody Vijay above. A happy and cheery demeanor is what we all strive for as Masala patients. Sunny Shashi symptoms includes smiling at everyone in a crooked and cute way, having an abundance of manic energy without drinking gallons of coffee or sweets, and generally being endearing and lightening up any folk you meet. A Sunny Shashi may not always be extremely sunny but this happy and cheerful edge to such a mood works to your advantage if you manage balance this overabundance out.

3. Gutted Guru - the predecessor to a Moody Vijay mood. A Gutted Guru mood is when you have become a hardened and bitter soul where nothing can brighten your ennui. Symptoms include seeing life is a series of sad and ironic events, no woman or man can break through your wall till you turn into a Less than Gutted Guru. Poetry and drinks are usually a must for this mood, as some of the best musings about the world come in a drunken stupor. A breakup or upset with the current state of your nation may be the cause for such depression but a likely respite from these troubles may come from a kindly woman or man who love you despite your selfishness.
4. Weepy Asha - A mood that afflicts us all. A Weepy Asha is a self-sacrificing type of trait where you cannot help but burst into tears at the slightest upset. Moving house? Tears. See a cute picture of bunnies snuggling upto baby puppies? Supreme tears. This mood usually starts after a seemingly balanced All-Rounded Asha, but due to machinations created by this mood or by parents you devolve into this mood. This mood is easily resolved when the love of your life leaves everything for you, but the inescapable tears always flow!

You are frequently found in this thoughtful stance

5. Meaningful Manoj - or in other words a Hipster Manoj. Always eager to voice concerns over the nation, diaspora, and every single issue that interests you, I would classify you as a Meaningful Manoj. Symptoms of this mood include passionate speeches, visualizing your life in crazy but social critique looking camera angles, and of course covering one's face every time you feel a bother of ennui or exasperation at another person's ignorance. On this list, I would say that a Meaningful Manoj is the best to have a gang of a Sunny Shashi, a Moody Vijaya, and an upcoming Swaggering Shotgun to voice your concerns and win election votes in the Masala Pradesh.

Thanks for tuning in for an upcoming series on the Dr.Rum Oz show of Masala Moods, and I will definitely be back with some more fabulous and encompassing moods such as the Scandalous Saira, the Stylish Sadhana, the KRAZZY Kishore, and more S's and R's to be thought of. Which of the above suits you?

Disco Dancer - The Tale of Neurotic Jimmy and Tragic Superstar Sam!

You know you've made it when you've been named as an ice cream!

Well this is a very important post because it's my 100th! And what better way to celebrate than this charming cracktastic disco and downfall masala film? Seeing as this is a hugely momentous day at the Masala Pradesh, I'm going to stretch myself and turn this review into a mock-heroic epic, like 'The Rape of The Lock' but not really, because as brilliant as I am, I am no Jonathan Swift! But as I've taken a bundle of English and writing courses, I thought why not stretch yourself with this amazing film that has 2 wonderful characters that have enough disco ennui and pain to rival other rock stars! Chalo shuroo hojaiye!

Thy faithful addition Sir Wiggle-my-head-alot!

Of Jimmy's first disco dalliance and the pelvis thrusts
Of those Bappi-beats, whose synthesizers
Brought Disco destruction into the Masala Universe
Of Superstar Sam, the prodigal dancer of flailing arms
And shiny costumes, what befalls this bechara?
Ohh heavenly masala muse, I invoke thee to aid my disco tale
To uncover the myths of the creation of the Indian Disco idol
Instruct me to warn other hopeful stars of the folly of shiny clothes
Let not the fate of Superstar Sam affect others
I shall justify the ways of Disco to women/men!
Who first seduced Jimmy to the funky Bappi beats and led him to revolt?
Thy Gold chained Bappi begins our tale with melodious strums from an acoustic guitar
Young Jimmy, a poor urchin beats down on his drums for his daily roti
The awful Maa, keeps our savior attached to her hip
Her tasty roti she feeds him her attachment poison to him:

The shrew feeds him his upcoming Mummy Issues

Ohh how Jimmy dotes on the calculating shrew
Clad in pure white saris, she defiles her title as a Masala Maa
In a garden of riches, Jimmy meets his Eve
A happy song they sing, till her furious father enters
Abuses hurled at Jimmy and his maa
His mind seething with vengeance of breaking his sacred instruments
Mother dearest is thrown to jail to languish away
Ohh but what is this?
Jimmy has made sacred roti for his maa
His mind enslaved by his Maa Issues:Jimmy, the ever-child rock star

The leeching maa is released and insults are pelted her way
They flee to peaceful Goa
Metamorphosis from a humble denizen of the street
To a rather nimble-footed dark and handsome but fragile young man
Revenge bubbles in his mind
Hell hath no fury like a Mithun scorned,
Though full of mature ideas, Jimmy is held back by the shrew
Again the painful cycle repeats
Jimmy allows himself to be fed the poisonous rotis from his stage Maa:

Ohh how vulnerable Disco Maa has made Jimmy!

Alas his mind has moments of unfogginess
And Jimmy realizes that his tuneful songs and his guitar
Grizzled is his conquest for his goal so much that
Jimmy starts to sharpen his guitar and vows to:

The warrior with his instrumental weapon! (I'm so phunny naa)

As Jimmy works his way up the ladder
Performing at Tuntun's wedding to a dwarf
In the Darkness lurks the pouncing and growling Sam
With shiny suits and hairbands, Superstar Sam is known to all
His dance is laughter in motion
Flailing arms, gyrating hips, unmastered pelvis thrusts
Nevertheless Superstar Sam commands the stage,
All the world beckons him to sing his song
"Aawa Awwa Koi Yahaan Aahan Naache Naache"
Yet Sam harbours a corrupted dil,
Like a young Jim Morrison, a talented but rowdy rockstar
He signals to a fan
To make love to him in the green room after:Supestar Star is a music king and refers to himself to recognize his own reverence!

Sam grows drunk on the power of adulation,
He shirks his duties, and drifts further away from his artistic soul
Ohh the music and dancing he once did
A shadow of his former self
Sam refers to himself as Sam as though he knoweth of his greatness in shiny outfits
All Thrown aside for groupies, fugly clothing, and sharaab
David Brown,a young dramatic actor appears on scene
To take his paycheque but lends some gravitas to the tale
Exasperated is he by Sam's rock n disco lifestyle
"You should know the difference between a bedroom and green room"
Unbeknownst to Superstar Sam, this is the beginning of his descent
David Brown, free of the shackles of Sam
Drives around at night and spots a sweaty dancing man
Jimmy emerges in the light!
Ohh how he twists and twirls around,
Ohh the energetic thrusts he does
Ohh the forceful head banging that mirrors that of the author of this epic on a usual day!
What a talent, David has seen
What a future this young fellow will have
He foretells that Jimmy will become an idol
Receiver of Beatles-esque adulation
Ohh the promotional items bearing the prestige of Jimmy's name:

This great man gets more than his 10% of Jimmy's earnings!
And conquer Jimmy shall!

David Brown uncovers the talents of Jimmy and unveils him to the female population

With great fame comes cracktastic wardrobe items
Jimmy croons the spectacular "Krishna Dharti Pe Aaja Tu"
Perhaps the divine Krishna shall not come to the Dharti

To be greeted by Jimmy in a sacreligious cotton wool garnished suit
Or a jacket that recalls the Videotape Monster from "The Mighty Boosh"

Through Jimmy's travails with fame he meets many amorous ladies!
Oooh who's is this impertinent girl throwing shoes at the great Jimmy
It is none other than his Eve, both unknown of their childhood bond
The two young children once sang a happy tune
Both filmi kids bopping heads and shaking hips in sync
Ohh these two handsome folk are simply intertwined by destiny
Except for Jimmy's canny ability to smell through her brain and determine her social status

Ohh masala muse!
Is it thine that has orchestrated the similarities of these two stars
We unearth Superstar Sam screwy relations with his parent
A conniving but ultimately loving father
Ohh poor Sam, his shiny suits stripped of him
Blurry orbs become his regular vision after many a sharaabi night

Masking his pierced ego, he guzzles his bottles of rum down

One fateful night, David Brown visits his daughter
The badly dressed hussy resides with Sam,
Comforting him on the bad days
An enraged and sozzled Sam roars and hisses at David
"How dare thou enter my drunken abode! Nikhal jao yahaan se!!"
Ohh what a tragic fate has befallen this once music king, David muses
The sharaab now controls Superstar Sam's actions
Naturally daaru is spilt, with a fair share of insults!
"I'm still great!" Ohh the words of so many forgotten disco stars!Bechaara Superstar Sam admits that he is a "thing" rather than a star!
Daaru on his manager/father-in-law, Sam is enraged!
Jimmy's hyper reliance on his mother grows to gargantuan heights!

In the upper echeleons of fame, Jimmy neuroses multiply
He accepts some more chawl and dahl poison feeding from his maa
This unspeakable act is committed in public!
Nothing is mentioned of it, but such acts have dire consequences!
The great god of Masala has moved the two pawns
Onto a path that will affect both of their personal lives forever!
A seed is planted by the masala sprites sent from above

Such is the downward spiral of Superstar Sam!

Into Superstar's Sam's head during a heroin high
Sifting through the images of his mind,
Superstar Sam has an idea to kill Jimmy!
With father evilest he hires baddies
To literally turn the amp up to 11 to kill Jimmy
Unfortunately the masala sprites mix their masala dust
Into the wrong hands and the Shrewish Maa hears of the plan
In her taxi she rushes to save her son
Despite feeding him poisonous Freudian issues, Maa loves Jimmy
The Masala Lord above has written the story already
And watches as Maa gets her comeuppance by touching the #11 Guitar!

The Shrew is extinguished but not for long...

Ohh Masala Lord what have thy done?!
Mere Anarchy is loosed upon this disco world
But ohh no I must not question your convolutions my Lord
In the death of his mother, Jimmy neuroses reach the hilt
Masala sprites why hast thou powder flown to the wrong receiver!
Jimmy has turned into a recluse,
Oceans of tears grace his cheeks, never shall he walk on stage again!

I break with the flow to say Karan Razdan is an Acting Genius!

In the depths of Disco Descent,Superstar Sam is rejoicing!
His father evilest is pleased to see his Hell spawn in a better mood
But underneath the maniacal laughter, father evilest is shocked
His prodigal Hell-spawn has gone mad with his addictions
The height of Jimmy's mental issues!

Father reveals that Jimmy has become extremely fragile
The death of his mother horriblest has caused him
Extreme anguish and he cowers when seeing a guitar!

Jimmy's extreme fright at seeing the dreaded guitar! NAHIEEEE

It seems that the Masala universe has been dislodged
Our two guiding lights have succumbed to madness
Ohh Masala Lord, thou hast destroyed talent that thou hast put on this earth!
Jimmy has become afraid of the very instrument he sharpened
To strike and bring the city to its knees under his stardom!
And our tragic Superstar Sam, what shall become of him?
So many lives destroyed over the power of Disco
Fie fie on Disco! Let it wither, let it die!
It perpetuates the cycle of Dard-e-disco
Bappi-beats hath destroyed the wiggly hips of our stars
The shiny costumes hath made them blind of their humble origins
Two men intertwined by their passion for Disco
Have fallen to the depths of Disco Descent trying to conquer it!
Disco ist a killer!
!THE END!

Well there you have my mock-heroic epic, I never did complete my Masala Pradesh Production of Paradise Lost, but I really didn't need to as you can see above! I hope this is as fun to read as it was for me to write up! Disco Dancer is really a freaking epic film that had me hook liner and synthesizer! I'm sure most of you must have this dvd on your shelf and we can all admit that this is the best kind of cult classic that there is! I hope you enjoy my life's crowning achievement of my 19 years! Hell who can claim they wrote a mock heroic epic that too on Disco Dancer! ERRRM MEEE! Enjoy the read and I do promise I shall try and focus on some the actual good and prestige films I have on my shelf!

By the end of this, you'll probably be hooting along with Pagal No.1 Superstar Sam!