Annual Bakwaas List of 2009: Pie Inducements and Ire-boiling films!

Yes its that time of the year again, the most dreaded list is back with a ire-filled bang! There were a lot of films I didnt like this year, some of them were mostly oldies, some were classics and new films from 2009. I encourage all of you to do a list of your faves of the year and a nice pile of hate in the bakwaas list too, it lets out some pent up energy! If this turns into spewing of hate and swearing then do excuse me if you can, because i've built a masala loving shield anything idiotically masala doesnt go in Masala Pradesh! 1. Dhool Ka Phool - "SEX IS BAD" bakwaas
This maybe some sort of a classic because it introduced Yash Chopra to Bollywood but UGHHH he couldn't have chosen a more message movie than this one! Perhaps his bhai BR Chopra convinced him to do a socially relevant film but it was soo bad! It introduced the whole 60's film about unwed mothers and deadbeat dads and sex that was such a PAAP! NAHIII screeches Mala Sinha when she gets pregnant, well duhhh you silly fool why would you do it when its raining and you so obviously need to go to that secluded greenhouse with your hot yet very pancaked up boyfriend Rajendra Kumar! I just didnt like the two lovers as they kept blaming each other for commiting the bad deed as if it anyone's fault and the terrible act she does later by ditching her son in a windy forrest! I hated this film, it annoyed me so much with its treatment of sex and the poor Sujit Kumar who was the "paap bachha" of this whole film was a mistake at the beginning and then gets his maa back when he was much happier with a cute and wise Manmohan Krishna! I think Sujit is gonna have to join the Masala Youth - Filmi Baccha Orphanage!2. Kambakht Ishq - "Did Akki actually do this?"bakwaas

I'm a bit conflicted about this one as I watched it on the plane and hooted with incredulous laughter as the film went from bad to worse to rubbish, but I remind myself now i was heavily medicated on sweets and chocolate. I watched on the way home in a sober way, and I was so upset that two respectable actors Kareena and my FAVE Akshay would want to star in something sooo bakwaas. I can appreciate lowbrow comedy, hell Paying Guests and Shortkut I enjoyed, but something about this film really irked me. True the film has the Bebo song which I hum along to sometimes and the RDB version of Om Mangalam, but grrrrrr Kareena's character was such a "bitch" as Akki calls her repeatedly, there's no reason to break Akki's heart if you were in bed with him the next day, after putting an injection in him to operate on him, grrrrr what an idiot doctor! Maybe I'm taking it too literally but it just sucked!

3. Ek Phool Do Mali - "Deadbeat Dads" bakwaas

I think it might be a habit I've gotten into to watching frustrating 60's films, with 'sex is bad' messages with deadbeat dads played by the heroes. In this film Sadhana plays a gaon ki chori, who meets the city boy Sanjay Khan, and they have a silly courtship where he stalks her in the field after she takes his cricket ball, its supposed to be "awwww" but its just a bit "urrrm..hi sanjay, hanging outside my house again?" She eventually gives into his stalking love, I think i watched this film as a turning in my film watching where stalking isnt soo cute after all, well its cute if they both reciprocate and its presented cutely but here Sanjay ingratiates himself in her house and with her maa. Naturally there has to be sexy time, this comes after the only fab song where Sadhana dances in her tribal outfit. And as a deadbeat dad, Sanjay buggers off to go to war and leaves Sadhana behind who SHOCK!HORROR is gonna be a maa, her family are sick and tired of waiting and some good news is that Sanjay's dead! Enter second banana role for a poor Balraj Sahni who's a man who's always wanted children and it gets worse when a message-laden song about the joys of being a father, and how kids are soo necessary! I almost remembered the Monty Python song "Every Sperm is Sacred" when that was sung, Balraj is tormented by this and so was I! Dont watch this, because if you don't want kids then you won't appreciate a "Kids are so Necessary" song!

4. Satyam Shivam Sundaram - "See-through Saris" Bakwaas
I recently did a humungo essay on the Raju films of Raj Kapoor, and while reading his biography by daughter Ritu Nanda, I was struck by how heartfelt and earnest his filmmaking thought process. I know RK was a bit of a shit to the women in his life and a gluttonous man, but I love him all the same. He was blobby, womanizing, flawed, human, and a wonderful director, but when I saw SSS at 16 I went, "WOAH you can see her boobs in that sari, Hummma, look she is in a waterfall! Hai Hai, Chi Chi!" and after reading about his complaints about this film of how he wasn't exploiting her Zeenat's gorgeous boobs and figure for his profit, I didn't believe him. There are so many books I've read where he has said "Let them come to see Zeenat's t**s" alas I'm rambling but i HATED this film! It was supposed to be a sort of Shakuntala tale, where the ass like Shashi rejects her baby and etc = gives her hell, but it just felt porno-like to me. And i never thought i could feel like throwing a pie at Shashi but i do, it was just painful to watch and the way he mistreats the poor Zeenat made me so mad! And the above cap made me hoot with laughter sometimes when i look in the mirror I think of Shashi's ovvvverrrr melodramatic Nahiiiiiiiiiii when he sees his ugliness in circus mirror, lol i felt like saying "your not that Ugly, Shashi! But you sure act ugly!" In my closing arguement: Look in the mirror and imagine a NAHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII~

5. Jail - "Cliches in the lockup" bakwaas
I wanted to like this film, especially because I love Madhur Bhandarkar's explosive reveals of different parts of society as I loved Traffic Signal, Page 3, Fashion, and Chandni Bar but this started off well. There was that controversial nude scene that Neil dropped his kit off for, maybe they shouldn't have censored that part because when watching this I laughed out loud as a huge box with mega pixels tried to hide his area! Not very good censoring, or maybe I have a gripe with the censor board! But it started off well, telling how Neil ended up in the jail, and his unease into fitting in, but then it veered into Cliche land, with the gangster-played wonderfully by Arya Babbar, who looks n sounds like Suniel Shetty- the gay guys, the nice guy, the poet, the various prisoners are not characterized well and they have just a quirk like I've named above. And the nice prisoner, played by Manoj Bajpai starts turning into a Shawshank tale as he observes Neil, come on Madhur! There's tons of material he could have used to highlight about Jails in India, but what most annoyed me was there was far toooo much voiceover from Manoj, and too many scenes where we see court-scenes play out but with no talking(lol i sound like a dumbo right here) but if your gonna put Atul Kulkarni as Neil's lawyer I want him to speak dammit! Neil was wonderful in this but in the solitary confinement scene would he really be going crazy on day 2! I dont thinks so!

6. Devdas - "Over opulence" bakwaas

I remember watching this in London, I was in a huff with my mum who wouldnt buy me sweets to eat during the film, so I sat away from her and watched this 3 hour epic, and I really needed sweets for this! A few years, later I had my sweets and sat down to brainwash my friends with the Devdas tragedy, they loved it and were in awe of the songs and beauty of it, but even with sweets this was still a crap film. I watched it again a few days ago, I can see why it appeals to filmi fans as a first time film or as a Bollywood film, it works it has dancing, singing, ennui, and a love story. It just didn't work for me, and this is coming from a crazy filmi gal who did a whole project on Sarat Chandra's novels during my filmi nationalism phase in high school! Lol I remember my project where we had to act as the author and explain their life and books, I was a pagali who dressed in a silly version of a dhoti and acted as a drunk like Saratchandra/Devdas! SORRY i digress as usual, but this film just overdid the opulence and lost the story for me, Paro in this film is shown as slightly more immature with her attachments to Devdas, the sting of rejection for her was not shown properly for her and though SRK performance was good, it made Devdas into a drippy wet hero that I didnt feel sympathy like i did with Abhay or Dilip's portrayal. Madhuri was excellent in a role that was her swansong unless she comes back again with the Indira Gandhi biopic which doesn't look likely. Alas this film was sometimes an assault on the eyes with the sets, houses (how can you tell if Paro is lowlier than Dev if there homes are that jumbo), and costumes. It was bakwaas for me, because it just was too much of one thing that diminished the storyline

7. Aan - "Reiterating the Rubbish" bakwaas

Yes, this a scandalous film to hate, I may be kicked out of film criticism school with this opinion but Aan which is regarded as a fine classic, a merging of the Hollywood swashbuckler with the Indian musical. But like I said in my non-objective masala mini reviews post, it doesn't click with me, I just dont like Nadira or Nimmi in this film. They are both very competent actresses, maybe Nadira less so as she relies on her facial expressions tooooo much! Dilip was okay in this but he seemed out of his depth as I bet he wanted to find some sadness in the swashbuckler he played coz he was just loud and floundering, and Nimmi UGHHH soo annoying with her chattering and acting. LOL atleast there was a scene where her hair was all puffy and she looked like me after i wash my hair! Nadira was just annoying and i reiterate my silent movie expressions that i use in everyday life come from her and Harpo Marx, nothing wrong with bulging your eyes out when Dilip says something impertinent to the princess, but to do that in every scene and scowl its just rubbish. If Nargis hadn't been involved with RK and done this role that Mehboob Khan offered her then it might have made the film easier watching for me! All in all this sucked I wasn't impressed, lovely sets and new introduction to Technicolour didnt make me sway! Sorry Bollywood film history, this is one film i cant watch!

Masala Honourable Mention - A Good film, panned by silly critics!

8. Chandni Chowk 2 China - Happy-Inducement!

There is something wonderful about this movie, many people may say "Rum what the hell you sayin?" Well I dont care what people say, this film is soooo not the Worst Film of the Year, I think that goes to the above and Shortkut, which unfortunately was produced by My ANil! But I think this film goes on my best of the year as its self-referential, cute, innovative and AKKKIII! I think this has been the year of Akki, though this, and Tasveer flopped, I could watch Akki read out of the phonebook and i would still pay my limited budget on that. I watched this a few days ago, it was just a happy-inducing movie, I loved the kung fu and the continuous references to even Lust, Caution and the funny scene where Akki dances to his own song with Ranvir Shorey, or when he dances to Salaam-E-Ishq in a cute Rekha style! It was fun, I didnt expect a Pyaasa from it, it was just a cute film that entertained me, and the critics in the media went overboard in their hate, its not THAAAT bad, I mean Yuvvraaj was THAAAT bad! It was amazing to see the great Gordon Liu showcasing his kung fu as Hojo, its crazy they got him in a Bollywood film, after Bruce Lee, and Sonny Chiba he's up there for great martial-arts guys I mean even Quentin Tarantino put him in the Kill Bill films! This was a great film, not path-breaking and it didn't claim to be, but I was happy and entertained and I got my money's worth for this!

Hoped you liked the list, its a bit small as I didn't watch too many films this year, and the ones I did watch were good! The next post think will be a Masala Pradesh Production of Paradise Lost, a fantastical version written by me! Who could be Satan, Adam, Eve, God??