January 17, 2009

Janbaaz - When Anil became a sex+drug addicted crime lord!

The infamous quote!

Warning : this review will contain lamenting about Anil, swearing, and my favorite word pie-inducement!

Ohh what shite has entered the Bollywood, is what thundered from my brain after watching this utter backwass. Todd and PPCC you must watch this and tell me what you think!
As a young kid I fell in love with Anil Kapoor, I thought his movies were masala magic, maybe a foolish idea because I was only 7 when I watched this! I made a resolution when I was 7 to sit at my neighbour Rita's house and watch as many ANil movies as I could during the summer, I started at Woh 7 Din and ended with this!
Ohhh this movie was funny then, and I forwarded the hay scene and then watched the monstrosity on late night Zee TV! But ohhh as a blooming Filmi journalist I had to be critical and say "THIS Movie SUCKED!" I'm sure my hero Roger Ebert would approve of that concise rating as he even wrote "Your movie sucked" book!
I guess I wanted to enjoy this movie as the 7-year old Rum would, because darnit it had my ANil and Feroz Khan, a new Masala Pradesh favorite! But now on a staple diet of good masala movies, great Ray movies, great arty movies, and a guilty pleasure helping of the Amitabh implosion 80's movies, I couldn't watch this movie properly!
Perhaps the 80's and Rum don't get along as this movie is full of sexual double entendre, kitschy fighting, Shakti Kapoor as a villain, and an aging superstar paired with the "angry tapori kid" Anil Kapoor, and godawful fugly outfits! I want my 60's+70's masala again!
Lets start this ribald rubbish, first we find the titles which are filmed behind a moving sky with "Janbaaz Janbaaz" screeching in the background! Then we see a girl riding on a horse with some electro 80's score in the background, she runs to her dad (Kulbushan Khabandra) and even more stupid she talks with Sridevi's voice! AHHH! To show the aging process we get the same clouds scene with forwarded clock as well! Feroz loves this camera technique where you put the main scene such as Sridevi dancing while the fire is on the image as well:

Wow drugs set your "badan" on "aag"!!
The kid grows up into a gorgeous Reshama(Dimple) who I love, because she swishes her hair and smacks men across the face in this movie! YAAAY! Her dad is a gambler as well as so we go to the horseraces where Feroz does a voice-over of the commentary while the horse race, we also see my favorite bunch of henchmen:
We're the 80's Moustache Gang!

Shakti and Puneet Issar seem to be the bad ones, while the other two were wasted by just pulling menacing faces. Reshma's dad loses the bet against this 80's Moustache Gang, and they take him to their stupid disco den, where the big boss Teja(Raza Murad) resides. They all play poker, where Teja cheats coz his fugly vamp passes him cards all the time, Dad loses and shoots Shakti in anger, he leaves and goes home to be counseled by Reshma!

Disco den+forgotten member of the 80's Moustache gang
Inappropriate Hugging Relationship #2

Reshma and her Dad earn the #2 title in the Inappropriate hugging relationship as she continually lies on him, hugs him waaayyy too close, and its just plain ewwwwwww! He then gets killed by Shakti in a car accident,Reshma grieves by pacing around her pool with a small whip in her hand, then Bad-Ass Heroine Moment is when Shakti arrives and asks her "Wanna be my vamp" she whacks him a million times with her whip which makes some funny sound effects!
Shakti slumps off to the disco den then visits Teja where he tells him about his drug lord plans:
Lesson 1: Don't by drugs at high prices!

By sheer Bollywood coincidence, Reshma was adopted and her aunty is Anil's maa, so she walks to their house and hitch-hikes with a Parsi couple, the same actors from the Qurbani sketch. We then see Anil, this is where the laments come in! AHHH he's is such a dumbo, jerk, and idiot, he's a very stupid guy who has sex with any girl around and his first conquest is Aarti Gupta who he looks at in a shower! He's such a ..... I don't what to say about him coz he's such a perv! He goes to Shakti's individual disco den with Aarti who's Shakti's fugly dresses sister! Shakti enjoys heroin and smack and injects into an African woman who writhes around in some idiotic state of high, and then we get the two converged images thing again to show the experience of ecstasy!
'Nuff seen, 'Nuff said!

Then Anil's downward spiral happens when Shakti makes him try it:

ANil, you stupid crime lord, why?

Then we get a really silly sequence where Feroz thought he was being trippy, but actually ends up like that song in the old "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" where they go in the tunnel and stupid images happen. Well Anil has his own version of this, with tarantulas, eggs smashed by hammers, waves and other crap that needs to be seen!
Then Aarti and the high African woman sing an English version of "Pyar Do Pyar Lo" which made me hate this movie even more, its like a sadomasochists dream, all the women are wearing fugly leather skimpy clothes, THANK GOODNESS for the fast forward button, the first time I watched this movie at 17, my remote was broken so I was banging my fist on the floor for such shite dancing to be over!
Anil's drug face!Ain't this trippy enough for you?

Also at the bar is the aging Supercop Rajesh(Feroz Khan) who wears a cowboy outfit which also has elements of Crocodile Dundee in there too:

I'm still Bad-Ass kids

Rajesh arrest Shakti and Anil, he throws them in the lockup. Anil is incredulous as why would you throw me in jail brother? Yes they are brothers with an age difference of around 30 years maybe. This doesn't go too well with their Dad(Amrish Puri) a surprisingly non-villainous and leery role, who calls around and has his bad kid out of jail. Another stupidity of this movie is Amrish's happy faces and encouragement of Anil to try drugs and I've never seen Amrish smile so much!

Aww my bachha had his first sniff today!
Lesson 2: Don't listen to your dad

A little later Feroz does some bad-ass shouting and dishoom-dishoom with Shakti in the lockup, then Teja gets him released. Meanwhile Dimple has arrived and Anil does some leery leching at her where he says the infamous quote and more yuckness ensues.The divine light of Feroz
Anil, being a pervy crime lord

Anil keeps acting fresh with Dimple who likes it but keeps him at a distance, and in one instance she does a literal pie-inducement when Anil compares himself to animal.
WAAHEEEYYYY! Thanks Dimple!

Later Feroz tells Dimple the story of his lost and much younger love Sridevi a singer who performs in the middle of a beach with a drummer, she sings the great
"Har Kisi Ko" and then she's kidnapped by Teja who wants revenge from Feroz who busted his drug-making lab and shot him in the leg, which makes him walk sideways as if he's doing the grapevine. He injects her with some heroin and some more crazy images
pop up. Blah-di-blah about sadness that Feroz has, more importantly Sridevi's is addicted to drugs NAHII.
And her acting of being high means breast heaving and some silly dance moves which do
showcase her great dancing skills. She dies and Feroz is unhappy for life.
Her head actually spins!

Wow I see a crazy pupil!

I see smashed eggs!

Dimple's fugly "Listening to Long Flashback" hairstyle
After this flashback, Anil magically transforms into a nice Anil that we all love, then the leery Anil coaxes Dimple into bed/into the hay, after this monstrous scene Dimple asks "When we getting married?" Leery Anil says "Oooops.... uhhh soon?" she seems content with this, they walk out of the stable and they see Amrish. Then the most yuckiest scene comes where these two lechs laugh together and Amrish even pokes his horse smacker into Anil's bushy chest and they laugh and guffaw as if banging the girl that lives with them is the funniest thing since cheese! Bleugh!Lesson 3: When you're crime lord, perviness comes naturally

Dimple then makes Anil jealous by flirting with the ranch boy Dalip Tahil, the gorgeous song "Jane Jaana" plays all the time during the jealous-inducing scenes. Anil then turns into the Incredible Hulk, rips his shirt a bit and kills Dalip and vanishes off into the hills. Dimple tells Feroz about Anil and then a great dishoom scene ensues. They both wear fugly denim so it might as well be a mad fight over who's got the fugliest on!
Anil runs off, and meets Shakti and he recruits him in the Drug Smuggling Crime Lord Academy.

YEs for making this wretched movie!

Dimple says sorry to Anil and they make up and go on the run together, a lot of backwass happens later and the Pyar Do Pyar Lo song comes up with Rekha and more skimpy dressed dancers and skinny men lifting Rekha about!

ANIL, ANIL, whyyyyyyyyy! This utter rubbish to be in, who cares if it made some money and that you set the bar for sex scenes to come, this was a waste of Anil!
Feroz was fat and saggy in this, but managed to look pretty fine in some shots
Dimple was the best thing here, she whipped men, she made Anil kill tons of other crime taporis just coz he realized he loved her and no one could love her except him!
Jagdeep was here, and surprisingly funny and another best thing here
Shakti and Raza act bad and look it too, though Raza'a leg dragging was vey stupid
The music by Kalyanji and Anandji was very funky and I listen to it non-stop, the background score was used in Bombay 2: Electric Vindaloo a brilliant showcase of the electro-funk found in some of Feroz's movies, a must listen!

Janbaaz is a crappy movie worth a watch if you wanna be surprised by the silliness or watch the famous ending or hay scene! But just plain useless!
Jagdeep sums up my response to this movie!

8 comments:

a ppcc representative said...

OMG Rum this is hilarious... I'm watching Janbaaz today and I am LOVING IT. Your review is great, though ("the funniest thing since cheese" made me LOL literally), and I guess I got some 'splainin' to do in mine. I think it's like DA BEST MOVIE EVARRR. Okay, it's no Tezaab or Ram Lakhan, but - hello - hammers smashing eggs, Jagdeep's jaw dropping and all those high people with HIGH HAIR is too fun!

Todd said...

How can I resist when you make it sound soooo good?

Seriously, I can never see enough poorly imagined scenes of people "tripping". Plus, a funky K-A score? I'm all over this one.

Shweta Mehrotra Gahlawat said...

i hate this movie- really v much. Rekha and Sri have prob never looked so bad- and while I love Feroz, I dunno what he was thinking :) All those sexual references just got too much for me like in the 1st 1/2 hr- so finishing this was hard as well!

Keith said...

Todd -- if I might entice you a bit more: during one of the musical numbers, "Robotic Dancer" is played by Barbie Wilde, who horror fans might know as "Female Cenobite" from Hellbound: Hellraiser II.

Rum said...

ppcc - I slightly like this depending on my mood, but when i reviewed it i was mad as hell coz anil was soo kalu painted and pervy!

todd- i knew you couldn't resist it, it has feroz after all! the K-A score was amazing very funky and early 80's techno!

shweta - i completely agree, and rekha's dancing was soooo shit! i managed to tolerate the double entendre's and laugh once then got angry as they came out of My ANil's mouth!

keith - i never knew that, i thought it sounded familiar!

Amrita said...

AHAHAHAH, I don't remember the bolo tie! He really went whole hog on this one, didn't he? Emphasis on the "hog".

Still, I never miss this movie when it's on TV because it always makes me laugh to see them all A!C!T!

Rum said...

Amrita - lol at least you enjoyed it! hog needs more than emphasis, its basically the motif of the movie! the acid scenes were so laughably silly!

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