Veer - The New-Age Mard, Full of Handless Trauma and Indian Vikings

Look at how Gladiator that looks!

Veer first captured my attention from the first look at the zany wardrobe that Salman was sporting, fluffy waistcoat and long ratty hair. But my good judgement prevailed and I didn't waste a few bucks on it, but yet again at my aunty dvdwallah's shop, she had a bad copy of it. But the scene that made me recklessly buy it, was this:

Salman speaking Hindi in a British accent? I am laughing and sold on it!

Salman growling out in English? I buy this dvd!

But before we get to Salman's magnum opus part, we'll get to the prologue with the Pindari clan, who remind me a ton of drunken Vikings with very wardrobe-challenged attire, plus they seem to be vampires too. As every threat Mithun makes in this film seems to be "I VANT TO DRRINK AN ENGLISHMAN'S BLAAD!" or that he'll get his strong spawn Veer to do his bidding. We meet Prithvi(Mithun being a abusive father) who is the main unofficial Viking leader who helps out Gyanendra(Jackie Shroff) in defeating other kingdoms so that they can get their land back as well. BUT OHH NO! Gyanendra betrays them by recruiting the British to help out too, and doesn't give them their land, then a bloodbath ensues!

Mithun showing us the growling that Veer will inherit

Before Jacob n Edward, there was Mithun the Vampire!

Sorry I HAD to have a cap of the over-the-top Pekinpah violence!

If you've recovered from that screencap, then Prithvi decides to slice Jackie's hand off thereby making him into another Handless Syndrome Patient, which includes Prem Chopra's bad man in Kranti and countless others! I mention Sam Pekinpah a ton, because seriously I haven't seen such stylized violence than this film, where blood gushes in slo-mo and full of gratuitous but somehow entertaining carnage onscreen. Prithvi and his clan feel very wronged and work as nomad farmers to eventually get revenge. THE FATEFUL DAY: Veer is born, but unlike other dads who would hug their kids, Prithvi takes his kid out in the barsaat and tries to give him pneumonia!

Easily the nastiest father that ever lived!

Veer grows up into a growling Salman Khan, all buff and raring to kill some bad British people! But first I have to go back to the extremely silly father-son dynamics, they act like friends and all that jazz that pamphlets preach, but still Prithvi and Veer have to try and punch each other about! Completely nuts but there's me again adding my own Psychological two cents!

The constantly growler Veer

The two ogres fighting it out in spectacularly odd time era Ana Singh clothes!

But my favorite part of this movie is the song "Taali" where all these Indian Vikings have a dance party in the most atrocious clothing ever! We also get to see some oldie-friskiness with Neena Gupta and Mithun having more chemistry than Salman and his Kat-clone Zarine Khan!

The family that drinks together, share their Mongolian clothes together

Mithun and Neena turning up the heat!

Mongolian vest, orange corduroys, long hair= Veer, Mard's best friend!

After this fun song, Prithvi sends Veer and his brother Punya(Sohail Khan -best thing in the movie) to London, to learn about their gori ways and their deception skills! In Veer's London there is a very multicultural vibe which is great, to see African students and the unfortunate Fu Man Chu moustache on the Asian students who are in Veer's class! But the scene that sold me above to buy this film is made excellent by this not-British but European actor who made me fall over from laughing with his shite accent!

The additional factor to why I bought this film!

This guy really pisses off Veer who goes on his diatribe of "Jai Bharat Maa JAI!" speech, but at this college too is Yashodhara, the gal Veer saw once when he was robbing a train. Now this is where it gets fun, Zarine Khan looks sooo uncannily like Katrina that its seriously creepy at times where she does Kat's laugh and smizeing routine(if you learnt anything from Tyra, then you should know smizing!). Yashodhara goes to the same school as Veer and they fall in pyar, alas she has two gorgeous brothers who don't like Veer

This is the Katrina-bot, who will take over the world!

This her gorgeous brother, Puru Raajkumar who sounds just like his dad!

Sorry the above shot was a crappy one, but Puru Raajkumar sounds sooo much like his dad, with that grizzly and laconic style. But obviously I wouldn't want to see a whole movie with him, I'd much rather his dad's amazing voice! SQUEAKING OVER: These two brothers make sure they make life hell for Veer and Punya:

Well I wouldn't want my sister going out with someone who wore a 'Raju the tramp' hat like that!

Sohail trying to brighten Salman permanent growling!

One momentous day, Gyanendra visits the school, and Veer finds out who his enemy really is, and the two bad bhais's beat up Punya. This was a really sad moment for me because I shouted at my TV "NOOOOO DON'T HURT SOHAIL!!!" and my sister looked at me with that familiar "My Sister is Batshit" look. But come one it was really sad, because Sohail was acting his heart out here, and hey I don't like to see the refreshing comic sidekick getting the life kicked out of him!

Even Veer doesn't want the only cheerful character to die!

SALMAN MAD! SALMAN KILL EVERYONE! GRRRRRRRRRR!

Salman might as well have said that with the emotive growling he does in this scene where he saves his bhai and kills the two bad princes! Then he vows to take Yashodhara away and marry her, because she totally loves a Viking who kills her brother right in front of her! What comes later is all battle intrigue and lovey-dovey nonsense, growling and more. I'm onto my favorite parts of the film

The New Cockney Bob Christo?

This man is just glorious!

He's even got Bob's nefarious scheming skills

I don't who this guy is but he's called Steve! Steve is the bad English general/dictator that is in cahoots with Jackie's king, but he also wants to destroy India! What a notorious man he is! I just loved this actor, because hes got a Cockney accent and looks completely out of place in this movie, but somehow he just goes along with all the madness! His Hindi's pretty good as well my favorite line being "Hume RHINO ne booolayaa haai!" when he introduces the Melton-wannabe wrestler at the very DharamVeer jousting match! He looks like a right thug but he acts his way into my cracktastic heart!

The Story of the Golden Arm!

Even though he has no hand, Jackie piles on that bling

Jackie explains the immense trauma he feels! And the ecstatic revenge he'll feel after!

Veer master of no subtlety rips off the Golden Arm!

MOST AWKWARD MOMENT I LIVE FOR: CHECK!

Shameful Classics Week comes to a Close! But The Good, the Bad, and the Batshit Week begins!

Veer was very upset about me going to unhygienic London

Well it was the most glorious week that was ever devoted to all things Shameful and cringe-worthily good! Shameful Classics week was an absolute escapist fun time, where Ness, Kay, Beth, Filmi Girl, BollywoodDeewana, Amaluu, Ajnabi and yours truly aired some dirty laundry of the good trash that wins us over every time! I wanna thank everyone for participating and showing us all the mad things that people would gasp over, but the things you just can't help but love!

In other news, I am off back to the Bharat/London on July 16, so I thought I'd announce The Good, The Bad, and the Batshit Week here at the Masala Pradesh, because I'll be on a long hiatus for most of this summer, and I might as well review the 13 DVDS that the aunty dvdwallah's threw at me with good deals, most of them are pretty classic but I had to indulge in some rubbish and general batshit films! So coming up this week is DISCO DANCER!!! Veer, and many more! So I hope you come back for more mayhem before I depart for London!

IF YOU DON'T COME BACK, SHAITAN SINGH IS GONNA GO TOWN WITH ARM-CHOPPING

Uber-Shameful Classic: Neal n Nikki: Cavorting around in bras and Giving Badnaam to Vancouver!

Everything is all wrong, Uday but so right in a bad way!

I am a Yashraj fiend, I grew up on those Switzerland fields, those dance moves in the rain, those gorgeous couples rolling about in flowers and Punjabi mustard fields. But Neal n Nikki is the darker dirtier uncle of those such films. NN was filmed in new home of Vancouver and soon-to-be second home of Okanagan. It was made by lackluster director Arjun Sablok, who usually does the promo songs for the Yashraj films like the SUPER HOT Dhoom one with Tata Young. NN is a very bad to you, film but I like it, I didn't say I loved it because it has soo many egregious things in it for example:

Tanisha prancing around my city...in her bra!

This is one of a few crappy things in the film, because it was sooo annoying to watch her walk around all these places I know soo well and dress like a whoooorrrreeee! Like seriously, who walks around like that in any sex comedy, except for the bedroom! Ohh well just one major gripe but let me get to the story!

We meet Neal(Uday Chopra) a man on the prowl, who is very immature and sex-obsessed, and let me say its nice to see a normal hero who is somewhat like the majority of men that age. What I'm trying to say, is we have a hero that is a douchebag looking for his next conquest which is somewhat refreshing in a shameful way! He agrees to an arranged marriage to a gal in India called Sweety who gets her own song, sung hilariously by Sardar with a Guitar Happy (Gaurav Gera)

Scene stealer Sardar with a Guitar!

He is allowed to go to Vancouver for 21 days to have a good time, and yes get laid! I would have normally gone HAI RABBA CHEE CHEE CHEE! But I dunno, something about these hijinks is really funny as Neal meets his first gal Kristy, some supermodel they roped in, when they meet up later Neal encounters the drunken Nikki(Tanisha Mukherjee) who harasses him and impresses him by doing a lap dance in the good song "Halla Re" which features an appearance by Gangster No.1 Abhishek Bachchan! WHich is always a good sign of adding some swagger to the film!

Tanisha yet again in another whorish outfit!

Look at that smouldering man! His only line is offering that gal, "Come on, lets bounce"

After Abhi's lovely swaggering appearance, Nikki starts turning up wherever Neal is, in the middle or about to conquest some bra-clad harpie! Then the two crazy kids decide to go to Whistler to get some action, Whistler of all places is not where one finds action more to look at how awful everyone looks after all that skiing, runny noses, pink faces. This is quite outrageous to me because the director is from Vancouver and if Neal really wanted to find some gals, then he'd go rampaging up Granville Street where all the hoochie clubs are! DUHHHH! ANYWAY, they sing the fun title song, complete with a DDLJ parody that makes me laugh each time because of the irony of having Kajol's sister run through a mustard field in that white salwar-kameez makes me all happy:

Yes that's what Uday still aspires to be!

Ahhh filmi irony, bahut accha!

Yes I laughed all the way to town on this one!

When the two end up in Whistler, Nikki uses Neal to make her ex-boyfriend jealous and of course what ensues is a ton of snogging from the lead couple, but first before "I Hate Luv Storys" there was this shameful cousin with its own sense of cheekiness and snark at taking potshots at the typical love song posturing with the song "I'm in Love"

Who doesn't love a film that pokes fun at the random yellow airplane that love songs always have!

Of course bonus points, for mountain singing done in my own Whistler!

One of the many snogs in this film!

After some silliness and fun, Neal n Nikki end up at silly frat-looking party where they realize they like each other and kiss a ton. Flashforward to the next morning, where two have slept together and this is where it gets kind of better as they wonder what to do and say after that night and not confirming their feelings. There's a sense of realness there which you don't get in unshameful good modern Bollywood films. The two go their separate ways till Nikki turns up at Neal's home as Sweety's cousin. And the two try to fight off their feelings for each other or Nikki does more. Neal makes a bet that she will stop his wedding and blah blah blah!

What I did love about this film is:

This bechara shameful icon

This poor star-sister

I know I'm in the minority of people who like Uday Chopra, but this week unveils my utter love for him as a shameful icon. He is a scion of nepotism being son of romance king Yash Chopra, yet he hasn't made it on his own, which is a testament to how nepotism doesn't work sometimes and even the greatest father/brother/hamster can't help you be a hero. But hell I really like him, he has good comic timing and he's looks alright, not a conventional gorgeous hero, but he has something there that lights up when he's onscreen. OHH MY GOSH I'M ON A DIATRIBE ABOUT UDAY CHOPRA!!!!! Yes I am, but I'm gonna plug him anyhwhere because he is a good actor, a shit Tweeter as Veraciously points out, and a star brat. But I like him and I stick with it!

Onto Tanisha, she is a good enough actress, though maybe she should consider getting a stylist and getting her eyebrows threaded in a better shape, so she doesn't look like a Greta Garbo!

But the two have very good chemistry and its no wonder that they got together after this film wrapped, I don't know if they're still together but they make a nice couple full of screwball squabbles and hot chemistry. And they're snogging looked a bit voyeuristic to look at, but as Hitchcock taught us we all need to look!

For all you Canadians, that's Zain Mehji at the back from Etalk and How To Look Good Naked!

Neal n Nikki is a definite shameful pleasure of mine that varies from "Omg I Love this" to "How Dare She Wear That, GRRR" but check it out if you like a good old sex comedy with some filmi parodying!

Shameful Classic, Toofan Part 2: When A Filmi Kid made me emo and Goga goes to the extremes of villainy!

This is the power of Jaadugar Shyam, walking on water!

It was a good place to leave off with Part 1, to introduce the mainstay of the movie Toofan, but the filmmakers take a complete detour and take us on a wacky ride with Shyam, Toofan's more enthusiastic and fun bro! This is sometimes okay but even Amitabh Bachchan, actor par excellence, regresses into hamming though he might not admit it, so their are many escapades where he hams royally! But his next hijinck gets him in trouble with his maa, and she ties him up in the bed, so he doesn't do more jaadu! Then a snake comes to him on his bed and we get to a funny but overlong sequence of Amitabh doing cross-eyed and being scared!

Hanging out with the naag

But the main point of this sequence is to introduce the first heroine Radha(Meenakshi Sheshadri) who is a tribal village gal whose naag has gone missing and she summons him away with a fun naagin tune that would make anyone's hands raise up on their head and hips twirl about!

Poor spotty but gorgeous Meenakshi

I just made a potshot of how spotty the poor Meenakshi was, but to be honest it was right there beckoning me to point and I'M EVVVILLL! But thats not nice, Padmini also poor gal had them all over her cheeks. But the camera wasn't very nice to Meenakshi with huge Sergio Leone closeups of her! Bechara! Anyway before my low blow, Shyam and her fall in pyar with some double entendre talk, and soon she invites him to the village to do a song but the best subtitles comes next:

"Come before the fool moon night or we'll be separated!" Nahiee the foolish moon!

Through Shyam's storyline we meet these two: Gopal (Farooq Shaikh) and smouldering girl pickpocket (Amrita Singh)

The two actors who add some sass and class to this product!

Can I just declare how much I loooooove Amrita Singh, she was one of my 80's faves, because she was sooo sassy and had some really sexy chemistry with Amitabh and some more aging heroes. And of course, I hold her highly in my book, because of Aaina, she is a such a bitch but a good bitch! But anyway Pocketmaar Gal(I'll name her as she never had a name) steals Shyam and Gopal's purse to pay for her poor maa's operation!

Well nothing's changed since Aawara eh?

So thankfully in a semi swift Shyam dominated first half, we are introduced to all key characters, but in the biggest plot contrivance that involves Raza Murad as a thief using Shyam jaadu skills to open safes for him and frames him. But another fun subtitle ensues:

This is usually me when I lose Bunty my ipod! WHERE ARE YOU BUNNTY!

In this silly contrivance, Gopal bails him out using his money for selling off his cab, but in another plot device Gopal loses his arms! NAHIEEEE Armless Syndrome affects another Thakur from Sholay, another Raaj Kumar from Mother India, and now Gopal in Toofan. Shyam is rather insensitive and lifts off the cover in the hospital and Farooq is so poignant here just avoiding Amitabh's hammy cryin:

Armless Syndrome afflicts another poor bechara!

Like Raaj Kumar, Gopal is full of shame and goes wandering.

BUT WAIT! SHAITAN SINGH IS BACK! Shaitan is languishing in the jails and behaving like a crazier batshit cousin of mega villain Amrish Puri. One of his harebrained schemes is the most outrageous prison escape I have ever seen, perhaps James Garner, Steve McQueen from "The Great Escape" and other should have taken a leaf out of the "Shaitan Singh Guide to Escaping Prison" which I shall demonstrate:

Step 1: Insert your gleeful smile and set oneself on fire! Protect one's crazy hair!

Step 2: Kill all guards and jump off your Alcatraz-esque prison, avoid the sharks!

Shaitan's escape set in motion, one of the most shameful crying parts of this movie or any movie ever! I feel so besharam for crying! Shaitan comes to the village and decides to have revenge on the man who sold him out, the doctor saab! Doctor saab, has a daughter and son in law Gopal who has come back home from his armless wandering! Shaitan's right-hand man decides to almost rape Gopal's wife, what follows is a shocking Pekinpah-like violent fest, its not too gory but the general hysteria and awful acts committed later are Pekinpah-like in their piling on of all awful and destructive things to happen to Master Javed and Farooq!

Zarina Wahab can't take the Pekinpah violence and jumps in a well!

Master Javed gets headaches from all this dishoom

Armless Syndrome patients can still participate in Pekinpah dishoom!

To be honest, I had a BARSAAT CRY here, I care more for Farooq than Jamie Sanchez being dragged around in "The Wild Bunch"

This is my face after this whole escapade!

YES I CRIED IN TOOFAN! My shame has been aired to the blogging public, it just was soooooo heartbreaking for that poor kid to see his maa die, then his paaw getting dragged about, then he couldn't save his paaw from the well, ohh Master Javed you can come live at the Filmi Bachhe Orphanage like countless other scarred filmi kids!

Another GINORMOUS plot contrivance allows for Toofan and Shyam to switch places, so Shyam as Toofan comes to the village to wreck havoc on the dakus. Shyam is a nice guy enough, to let young Master Javed get some revenge on Zaalim Singh, the right hand man who caused the immense trauma heaped upon the young kid!

You do not wanna get on the bad side of this filmi kid!

I was crying out loud "You go FILMI KID, KICK SOME ASS!" And he really did, he repeated his Nahie lines from the previous harrowing time, but on the kickass side, and growled at Zaalim Singh who he tied up and let the horse drag him away to Shaitan Singh's headquarters!! Gratifying revenge by a kid, check!

Meanwhile, across town there is the actual Toofan as Shyam who is out to get Raza Murad for framing the other guy, and for using Bunty-the-ipod's name to get safes open! Badmaash! But he dresses in this snazzy coin-clad jacket!

Okay new clothing to be searched for, like a vintage Indiana Jones that I am!

The rest of the film gets very mangled, tangled, and convoluted, all in a very shamefully good way that would take ten posts to explain! But suffice to say, the two twins switch apropriate places and Shyam is called upon by his destiny to complete the batshit magic trick that even Houdini and his dad couldn't do! But Toofan fulfills his destiny by killing all the baddies including my much-loved villain Shaitan Singh by doing these stunts:

The mighty jumping skills of long-lost Power Ranger Toofan!

Look at how powerful that Power Ranger weapon is!

Well I hoped you enjoyed the mass trauma of filmi kids, and the shame that was unleashed by me! Toofan is a nice shameful pile of junk that makes me happy on a rainy day because the infinite reasons why I should be ashamed to own this are the ones why I keep returning!