Shameful Pleasures Quick Bite: The Unabashed High School Crush Edition

A Shameful Icon: Mr Magnum Pi or Tom Selleck

Well you may be wondering why the total heartthrob Tom Selleck is the first Shameful Crush, well it's a long story my yaaron! I first moved to the all encompassing North American continent in 2002, and we'd only just bought a TV and my sister and I couldn't find any other kids channel except the super Baby channel and lots of reruns that interested us. So Magnum Pi became our babysitter! I would run home school at 3 to meet and swoon over the new pyar of my life! The shame bit comes in a bit later, as besotted as I was a 13 yr old I found a People Mag of Sexiest Man Alive editions in our lobby and instead of hanging up Johnny Depp or George Clooney, I cut out Tom Selleck and many of his TV friends.

I'm sorry this man was a total stud in his heyday!

Tom was very special to me and his elevated status made him worthy of putting up in my high school locker! My friends had already witnessed the budding vintage lover burgeoning in me and thought nothing of it when I waxed lyrical about the short length of his shorts in each episode. Unfortunately one time, the ubiquitous bunch of cool kid saw my decorated shrine of locked and ribbed to death about having really old ugly men in my locker. I suddenly felt so ashamed of James Garner - Mr Rockford, Tom, Desi Arnaz -Mr Lucy and of course Amitabh circa his hotness age in the 70s! So after so much ribbing I took them down and put the latest craze at the time Aaron Carter (WT absolute F was I thinking??) and Spaghetti hair Justin Timberlake, but still it did not make me happy to greet them every time i got a text book! But if I restored the natural order of Arnaz, Bachchan, and Selleck to the locker I would just die in my outcast state!

I had a big pink heart circling his head in this one!

But good sense prevailed and my friends added their own shameful icons of gorgeous anime characters and surprisingly Mr Rogers!

I know this should have been a proper revelation of Love Love Love with Aamir and Juhi but I had to share the origins of all this shame! As it's the devil in all of us to love the scandalous and duds that no one likes, because that sets us apart and it gives a well deserved superiority complex with 'What hell didn't they see in Pyar Karke Dekho! Such a mature and bold film!" and cheers to that!

Shameful Classic: Mumbai Se Aaya Mera Dost - The Attack of the Killer TV!

This is Tony, the evil killer idiot box!

I simply had to start Shameful Classics off with a resounding Kabooom with one of the most special duds and classics of Abhishek Bachchan's illustrious career!

Mumbai Se Aaaya Mera Dost (2003) is that wunderkind of a movie that captured my 13 year old dil! I was already a fan of Abhishek since he began, but even I could recognize the dreck he started off with, so seeing the promos to this film got me so excited see it! It's also intertwined with my life, I moved to Vancouver in 2002 and this was my first summer being back to my desh ki dharti and the promos made it look so intense and a gamechanger role for Abhishek. It wasn't out at that time, but seeing the bombardment of promos got to my young mind! I was determined to see this against Tere Naam which released on the same day. Two very diverse roles for both Salman and Abhishek and naturally we know who won in the end and had legions of idiotic boys copying that dreadful Hugh Grant mixed with gangster floppy shag! But once I came back to horrid(come on i was a angry teenager!) Vancouver I vowed to search for the best available print to continue my support of Abhishek over all other heroes. And by chance the best Aunty dvdwallah had both films in a 2 in 1 disc. Needless to say Tere Naam was watched several years later!

So a nostalgic tale later, this just had to be on this list because it is so shameful to like this nonsense film but I adore it! Shameful is as the dictionary says disgraceful or scandalous scandalous behavior and it fits perfectly with this film as I can't help but feel ashamed to champion something that loses steam so quickly and has the stupidest plot line revolving a TV. But it works as a Shameful Classic because for me its reminder of a gullible 13 yr old being taken in by the hype machine and being 20 and still loving it! However being me, and my wicked sense of humour, modesty be damned there, I need to champion the best character of the film: TONY THE TV!

But first let's get to the egregious filler: The film suffers from such a Lagaan hangover featuring the same baritone voice of Bachchan Sr at the beginning, many of the same cast members, a rural setting. The promos heightened this element to the max with an intense Abhishek brooding all the way through and glaring. His entry is suitably smouldering:

Ohh who's kohl rimmed eyes are those?

The film features so many spectacular entrance scenes for each major character which still impresses me and the 13 yr old inside, the other villain than Tony the TV is Thakur (Yashpal Sharma) who emerges in all his unibrow and hairy glory from the river, with foreboding chanting screeching in the back. So just in case you didn't know he was EEEVIL:

This was a very entertaining entry for a 13 yr me!

There's also the ridiculously well-dressed and gorgeous village belle Kesi (Lara Dutta) whose designer black chuni flows off her face to reveal her to our lovelorn hero. I have to admit the makeup and designer did such a good job in the envy department, just look at her jewels:

Diamond necklace, sparkly earrings, and fabulous eye makeup: the modern gaon ki chori!

The Tale of Troublesome Tony the Dictator TV

But getting to best stuff is the brilliant entrance of Tony the TV and his equally deadly friend Sally the Satellite cable! Like I said, this film is redonkulous, a complete case of super editing in the trailers betraying my angry teenagerly heart. Kanji the newly returned boy from the city brought these two to his gullible village:

All hail the modern invention of the SATELLITE!

Upon Tony's entry, he sends the villagers into a quandry about what he might be: are he and evil Sally a giant water umbrella or a boat? The film is actually quite hilarious in these moments of culture shock, I can shamefully say with a lot of hints of pride that I haven't laughed like that since the actual classic of my youth Deewana Mastana! Before you say, Besharam at my comparison ! Here's why there is so much win in this movie, Tony the evil TV introduces the villagers to many other shameful movies like a lot of CHICHI:

Chichi in his actual chuddis has been unleashed on the innocent folk!

There are two comic relief characters that Tony has it in for! Tony introduces the local barber to a very naff Feroz Khan-the-cowboy movie who has a hilarious dream about being a Rajasthani gunslinger with his Clint pose and cigarrello:

I love the irreverence of this film, gunslinger getup with the trusty donkey!

One other comic relief man is introduced to the equally awful and shameful masterpiece Jaani Dushman, not the fab old one, but the new one! Tony entrances him into performing his life in slow motion steps. He even causes a very Sergio Leone filmed face off between the two men, which veers into the batshit and hilarious. I really cannot emphasize how bad it is that I was hooting with laughter as the film increasingly became revolved around the TV! That's not the best/worst of it in a very meta moment I found that Tony the TV reached his terrorizing hilt when he spied Abhishek enjoying the subliminal messages of the Chichi films and Sandy Danza cooking shows, he decided to inflict such pain upon him with showing a kiss or otherwise known as 'The Founding Father of Sexy Snogs' with Karishma and Aamir in Raja Hindustani:

Tony the TV at the height of his ruthless reign!

Just look at the defeated and crestfallen Abhi :(

In a cavalcade of contrivances all orchestrated by the crap screenwriter or by the secret machinations of Tony and Sally, a war of epic proportions breaks out!

TV - The Devil's recruiter!

Hai Hai! Tony can also usurp power like a proper 80s villain might!

Yes a war that all stems from the TV, as the local evil pundit stirs a war of sizes between Tony and the Thakur's TV the more modest Mini! Tony will not have his reputation tarnished and his brainwashing works on all the villagers as they take up arms against Thakur and Mini! This also calls for a dramatic/howlarious and tough song of battle:

A very hilarious song shot like 'Chale Chalo' in Lagaan!

Like Cleopatra, villains need to moisturize before battle properly!

To add to the spectacle an actual TV crew from Star News are drawn to this upcoming jung by Sally the Satelite's newsworthy and deadly rays! They capture the entire climax of the film on their own cameras with the cameramen jumping around as people are getting stabbed. The journalist gal even proclaims 'We can even send this to Fox News, to America!' which is the most apt audience for such a fabricated war!

And just at the height of the action of the Tony orchestrated war when Kanji is about to kill the Thakur, the lords of the Shameful Universe let this icon step in and keep the peace:

Yes... it's Chunky Pandey

It is one of the most satisfyingly stupid and brilliant moves pulled by this utterly nuts and fabulous film that I will recommend to everyone. I mean just looking back at my journals of coming to Vancouver, i detailed the movies I wanted to see over here but couldn't. There was a fierce desire to like this film because of the promos and my unwavering support of the other Lambhu of the industry! If you've heard about that latest film about a killer rubber tire then I'd ask you to approach this movie the same way! Tony the TV is the main villain and anti-hero to which the film unexpectedly finds a centre for all the characters to act as foils around him! Acting as a Masala Hitchcock, I hope you never look at your demonic TV the same way after this film!

Shameful Classics/Pleasures Week Part 2:

Our Lord Shameful himself, Himesh!

Let's take a few moments to thank Mr.Nasal or the newly crowned His Royal Shamefulness for making a certain flawed classic called Radio. It was this film with its lovely soundtrack that randomly shuffled onto Bunty the Ipod one night on the bus, which spawned this fabulous week! We had a brilliant run last summer with all of us reveling in a collective love for the inane and rarely admitted. Ness loves the gloriousness of Bobby Deol, Beth unleashed Pyar Karke Dekho into the already recovering citizens of Chichi week, Katherine revealed an undying pyar for all things Deol which spawned another great week and many more divulging of all things you felt were too shameful to admit you utterly adored. For me it has to be some of those very crappy films Amitabh did in the 80's like Desh Premee or even Lal Baadshah which I was dragged to as a 9 year old for my family to collectively wince and cringe and like in a shameful way! I was thinking we should star on the July 5th till the 12th or if anyone has any objections to make a whole month of sighing and finally repeating that you own Teri Meherbaniyan (Brownie Moti's star vehicle) and watched it every weekend for a month! So let me know via here or Twitter or whatever technological thing of the day if you can participate and let loose all those skeletons!

Can you resist a week full of nonsense faces like that?

Masala Pradesh's Pretentious Post or My Faves of 2010!

'Moody Vijay' - my state of mind for 2010, add it to your filmi lexicon

Sorry for such a long break, but being back in Vancouver for the holidays I just couldn't manage another post other than my celebrated(!) ire filled Bakwaas List. But I thought I'd finally air my views on some of the good parts of 2010, because always going against the crowd I thought it was not such a damn awful year for Bollywood in 2010. I'm gonna approach this from a cinephile/pretentious filmi nerd stance, because being in a small town with nothing much to do, I've been reading half the books in our library by the early French and New Wave critics, and they have a point!

The Critics: Francois Truffaut, who I'll appoint a Masala Pradesh Saint Truffaut Bhagwan, talks about straddling the two categories of films, the Masala and the Arty Farty in our case, and what I've definitely noticed in 2010 that critics do not know how to balance the two. For instance, he goes on about loving a film like 'A Face in the Crowd' by Elia Kazan with it's subversive messages about the media, but also heaps praise onto something Hollywood spectacle like 'Samson and Delilah.' Now maybe it's because I'm a journo type that loves my Masala and my Arty films, and because I approach a film liking the director or star, but I don't treat a Tees Maar Khan like an Udaan, because they are miles apart. Critics in India, have this awful problem and their outrageous reactions to films like Tees Maar Khan by expecting it to be another Main Hoon Na or the height of Masala brilliance. It's their close-minded and editorializing to a sniping degree, where they insult the filmmaker or actor, it's just not objective. All reviews should air what was good about a film like highlighting a good performance or script, and if they hate it, they really have to sell it to the viewer why and not cop out by unfairly and unnecessarily bringing personal gripes and grudges into it. That's why in 2010, the gaping disparity between what the masses flocked to and what the critics favoured, was so gaping wide. If critics want to repair their relations with the audience that is rapidly dwindling and turning to word-of-mouth and the internet, then they really have to consider what the masala and arty intake the average filmgoer can handle, they really should STOP sounding so smug and think about who they're writing for.

END OF RANT! I'm sorry, I've read many reviews from the vintage Stardusts, FilmIndia's, and other film mags over this summer and the journalists and critics back then, who were also very catty, but the reviews took into account that people would immediately be in seats for something with Amitabh being a Moody Vijay but they also recommended films like Bhumika.

I know I can't blame the critics the whole time, it's also the filmmakers who throw out bakwaas like Break Ke Baad, Hollywood style romcoms that just don't connect with the audience and vanity projects like Khelein Hum Jee Jhan Se, which just exhausts and bores. Earnest intentions by all these big directors would normally win my own heart, HELL I loved Veer, which was another earnest piece of shamefulness, but they also need to find interesting stories and not go overboard with their delusions of grandeur, looking at you Mr SLB! The audience in India is a fickle bunch, one thing like an No Problem, the usual Aneez Bazmee fare which they lapped up before was a super flop, but something like a Peepli Live did well. I think the films of 2011 need to be toned down in their OTT publicity monsters because a Tees Maar Khan, which did the rounds was so hyped that although it did somewhat alright, people were disappointed as a result of that as well.

ANYWAYS! I'd like to share my eclectic mix bag of faves this year, irrespective of box office, there were many movies which were brilliant, good, and alright! But enough rambling and ranting here it is, in no particular order because that's far too hard and I would ponder like a philosophy student!

1. Ishqiya - Truly one of the best films, which finally gave a career Renaissance of sorts to Arshad Warsi and Vidya Balan both brilliant actors who were stuck in a comedy and romance/fashion rut. Vishal Bharadwaj's stories always feature such expressive and profane language that was perfect in this film, he has such an ear for the rustic dialect that is so acute and in this film he excelled as a screenwriter, which we all know from his adaptations of Shakespeare to rural Bihar in Omkara and Mumbai for Maqbool. But I think this film won all it's praise for it's performances by Arshad Warsi, who dropped all the second banana roles to play the lusty Babban. He is such an untapped actor that directors need to use far more, and he creates a full blooded man full of passion, and humour. And it's such a good neo-noir as well, of course adapting it to a Bihar setting makes perfect sense, because I'd rather have the femme fatale in a sari like Vidya. Sensuous and dangerous, Vidya makes Krishna a dame worth stealing for. And that kiss! As much as it's great that Bollywood is doing snogs and all, but this one was less of the tender and quick pecks we see, but pure animalistic hunger and it was HOT! I haven't mentioned much of the director Abhishek Chaubey, who aided in the screenplay and is definitely a director I want to see more of, but this is one of those films that is dominated by the presence of it's auteur producer/music director, and that's one of it's best points. Bhardwaj's flair for the ribald dialogues of Bihar and setting it in small town India makes this a neo-noir that is just as stylish and beautiful as his city-set films like Kaminey.

2. Tees Maar Khan - I'm with Kara/Filmigirl on this one, this was a good film in all the ways I wanted it to be, paisa vasool entertainment full of masala madness and meta-snarkiness that wins a reference spotter like me over! Now I know people saw this and were supremely disappointed with it, but there's an indicative moment where Farah's hubby Shirish Kunder sweeps up all the Oscars at the end credits. Shirish, has an irreverant humour that we witnessed in Jaan-e-Maan, with it's plot elements all thrown in and framing the songs like Broadway songs, and it worked for me at least. This was a Farah film framed through Shirish techniques, and I loved it. I just saw the Peter Sellers original 'After the Fox' and while the two are extremely similar, both were hot messes affected by every actor doing their own thing and just generally HAVING FUN, and that joyful abadonement of details and contrivances makes them so enjoyable. Tees Maar Khan has all the great packaging, great songs and fluid and music video style cinematography, but it won me over for the two A's: Akshay Kumar, who probably put his everything into this movie, and it's fun to watch him cut loose in a film that caters to his strengths of being a very physical actor and trying anything, in a way that none of his Priyadarshan films do. And Akshaye Khanna, what a gleeful role as the Oscar hungry Atish Kapoor, he really went to town with that role and was a complete scene-stealer. And lastly Katrina Kaif, who I kinda like and she was hilarious being a vain wannabe and she looked like she was enjoying herself and stole the show in her small role.

3. Raavan/Raavanan - Two movies, same story, both different experiences that were both interesting experiments. Critics again jumped on the 'Let's shoot this down' bandwagon for Raavan, to be honest Raavan was an experiment in mood, and story that only partially worked. But I had to add this to the list alongside it's better counterpart, because I have a feeling both will be appreciated much later down the road, and lol I might have to turn producer and give these two their own Criterion Filmi Collection, because they are both great pieces of cinema as Mani Ratnam took a chance on two wildly different actors to interpret B/Veera, the supposed villain of the piece and turned the Ramayana tale on its head, by blurring the lines of good and evil between B/Veera and Dev, two men jostling for power, and I'm gonna admit I really liked Abhishek's interpretation. It's the damn earnestness of it all, they tried so hard to make something weird and wonderful and I think it will be one of the hotly debated classics of Indian cinema. But what is consistent in both, the acting by Aishwariya Rai is absolutely phenomenal and she shares great chemistry with both Abhishek and Vikram, but I appreciated Abhishek's performance because it is OTT, manic, and definitely something I'm sure he's secretly proud of. But Vikram does the more subtle, manic, super-cali-fragi-fuckinamazin-docious portrayal because he made Beera, more sensuous and sexual being than Abhi which is why pitting the two portrayals next to each other is such an interesting comparison, because it just adds to the many layers Raavan had. Sorry I just need this to be on a Criterion Collection dvd right this minute for me to geek out over!

4. Rakt Charitra 1+2 - Everyone loves a good comeback, and I'm one of those suckers and seeing as it was my underrated fave Viveik Oberoi then I shall be heralding his comeback as the best for an actor who made a resounding Dishoom entrance with Company and to return with a forceful performance with his mentor RGV. And I'd say both director and star benefitted from the hype, even if the Hindi version didn't do so great, but the other ones did. Viveik is a strong actor that was blacklisted unfairly for his press conference debacle about Salman, and I kinda admire him for that, but this was the best way for him to reclaim his territory as the new Angry Vigilante on the block. Viveik imbues pathos into Pratap so we feel his pain and understand as he sloly turns into a monster and are shocked by his sudden urge to lop off heads, and knife people! And I think Ram Gopal Varma is back in form again, he has a contentious visual language of the loud chanting, odd camera angles (i always love his trademark from above a glass table shot, which is soo Masala because Feroz Khan did so many of those shots in Dharmatma!) and he's uncomprimising on the way he shoots his films and his subject matter which makes him stand alone from the rest of the directors out there today. Part 2 was obviously dominated by Suriya making a bombastic debut in Hindi films, but Viveik still managed to create a sort of Michael Corleone gone far worse. The assasination scene was just amazing. Both were full of non-stop even bloodier Pekinpah carnage, which was necessary for the murky politics of revenge and power.

5. Udaan - I really don't know why people bash this movie so much, but I do realize that movies like these are catering to a niche urban audience and not everyone's gonna jump on this Indie-Amazingness film! I just like movies about 'rites of passages' and 'coming of age' ones like these, but this one had a universal story of family pressure. It becomes so much more than that, with the lived in and stunning performances by Rajat Barmecha, Ronit Roy, and Ram Kapoor. We see Rohan wanting to be free from his stifling and abusive home life of routine and boredom, he wants to be a writer and poet. While critics and others found that it emphasized a more literal freedom from his harrowing home life, I thought that that was only way he could flourish as a writer and as a person was to finally take his brother and run. The row scenes are so raw and hard to watch at times, yet another one of those typical 'root for him to escape' moments that would be cliche, but I honestly cared for the two boys and it enahnced the emotional experience. It reminded me of Truffaut's 'The 400 Blows' which was repetitive in that showed the young Antoine Doinel navigate through his school and bad home life, going to school coming home, running away and all over again, and this film in its symbolic shots of the factory instruments pounding and crushing his dreams, writing in the fields, and contemplating. And it's these moments we don't see much in films where we can see a character really soul searching and contemplating his freedom and life, usually if a hero is trapped then by the end he'll have a job and a happy life and all that. I know I'm rambling but I like thoughtful characterization of heroes that are aimless and trapped, although it is suffers from problematic characterization of Rohan's dad, who is just awful and abusive, and drinks all day long, he isn't offered any other side which is off-putting at first but Ronit Roy does such a wonderful job of the character that we just feel he's been trapped in his own set ways and can't bend at all.

6. Band Baaja Baaraat - I will herald my love for this film all day long, although I saw it after all those shitty romcoms that came before it, this movie again has a love story that's simply revolutionary for not piling on the montages of singing in on a beach style love, and creating fully rounded reality steeped characters that we can root for! Is it really hard to tell that romances set in India like this and Ishqiya, are consistently trumping the NRI montage-quick lets fall in love in style romances like Anjaana Anjaani? But what I have to rave about is Ranveer Singh! What an absolutely wonderful debut for him, it definitely shows how a godfather/mother/Masala Filmi animal connection (Moti the dog can only help so much, kids!) doesn't bring you success and give you that magic spark that the audience immediately connects with. Ranveer has screen presence that most first time newcomers don't have, he's an instinctive actor as his intro scenes are so charming and I know I have a new crush of the month. But I think what's most appealing about him in this film, is ability to project a very Everyman quality to him, he's not exceptionally beautiful like a Hrithik (I certainly think he is) but he makes Bittoo his own, an aimless college boy that loves his food and loafing around. We don't have enough of the Everyman-type heroes that an Amol Palekar or a Jack Lemmon specialized in, and I think if he continues to be so spontaneous and fresh in his next few films then he's here to stay. And of course Anushka Sharma is fabulous too, her reaction to the morning after rejection is just heart-breaking. Of course the audience connected with this movie because it was well-written by Habib Faisal and Maneesh Sharma, they manage to steep a Yashraj production which has a penchant for the 'let's strut' montages, 'let's fall in love in our beachwear' songs, into a filmi reality that just works!

7. Dabangg - Let's all bow to the revisionist Masala Pradesh approved Saint Salman! We are not worthy! If 2010 publicity was good in one area, it was the hype for this deserving movie. Masala has been coming back to the fore for a while now, especially with 2009's Wanted and even before that the homage hot mess masala Tashan. But Salman and Abhinav Kashyap capitalized on this hunger for a film where the sheer angriness of the hero can make his shirt automatically tear off, where the villain can snarl/have an super OILY well sculpted body/and act goofy, where Arbaaz has a meta-dishoom fight with his actual reel/real bhai, and just the absolute faithfulness to a masala concept. This wasn't a perfect film, it had loopholes, but we overlooked all of that because Salman dominated the show and meshed all of his cool guy schtick, lack of pretentious acting and his stoic personality into one character that hypnotized us. Let's not forget the Great Female Hope in Sonakshi Sinha, an actress that made a great impact in her few small scenes and of course her thankless task of bringing a healthy sized heroine back to the screen that was sexy and alluring! The film is a testament to the director and star, who captured the masala zeitgeist and instead of turning it into a vanity project, they made a paisa vasool film which even some of the critics begrudgingly admitted entertained, which is what it all comes down to. A masala movie is meant for gratifying the audience's need for a good time and being a clever smart at that too!
Plus it had the debut of our Masala Pradesh Filmi Animals Sheroo-the Wonder Bird and Allah Rakha's younger and more agile cousin, Sheroo Part Do!

Honourable mentions

Raajneeti - Loved it in the cinema for all those speeches, and gargantuan Mahabharata backstabbing, but criminally underused Ajay Devgn in the key role as Karna, lovely Katrina show glimpses of a really earnest and untapped potential.

Peepli Live - I honestly was turned off by Aamir's hype of this being a satire, it really wasn't, it was far too garbled a message for that. More of a black comedy which veered into farce. But definitely the right choice for the Oscar entry.

Once Upon A Time in Mumbaaaaiiii - Numerology works in some cases! Spot on homage to the crime films of the 70's, fabulous dialogues and a psychotic Emraan Hashmi stealing the show, although again criminally underusing the gals only as the Apprehensive girlfriend or the Love of a gangster's life and only that.

Do Dooni Chaar - A lovely slice of life film which had Neetu Singh and Rishi back together in such an apt film for a co production with Disney to be, unlike Warner Bros helping out Shameful Classic 'Chandni Chowk to China' A bit annoying with narration but a film with absolute heart. I died of a dil-squish through many moments of it!

Aisha - Shameful admission of this one, because when I'm not shouting of the glorys of TCM and masala films, I do like a good old chick flick. Of course I muttered throughout 'that Aisha is such a meddling bitch' even through Emma, which is not one of my fave Austen novels. Dammit it had such a freaking gorgeous wardrobe for everyone, Sonam even showed sparks of dimmed potential, and Abhay, despite his petty comments after it did moderately well in places, was a studly Colin Firth type and had suprisingly good chemistry with Sonam.


Well thaaaat's all folks! Thanks for bearing with my egregiously long rambles about my ire and my favourites! What are your hopes for 2011? I for one am hoping for more set at home romcoms that are smart like BBB and more indie films getting better distribution!

Masala Rum is 20! Now What Happens?

Yes I suppose nothing will change, I'll still be doing jumpology shots!

Well this is a very momentous occasion today, because I am 20 and no longer a teen in title but always a teen in my mind!

Yes my faithful flock that have been following and reading this blog when I started out as a hyper exuberant 17 year old to my present day state as a moderately mature but still exuberant 20 year old! I thank you all, for reading the inane posts full of few

commas, and typos, but I though I'd better do a filmi meme of MASALA Empress RUM! Because Masala is definitely my middle name, when I think of my 20 years of movie watching, and naturally I'm Empress of the Masala Pradesh state which was formed when I was a giddy eighteen year old, and Rumnique being my oft-mangled in pronounciation name! Chalo shuroo hojaiye!

The epitome of a thoughtful Masala film

M se hota Masala - You didn't think I'd forget Masala did you now? Or name dropping my favorite redonkulous film Disco Dancer now? Well since I was 2 till 20, Masala has been in my veins and my blood type must be Masala as well because instinctively I can label a movie as masala even if it has two brothers/sisters/Sheroo birds that are not long lost, or a particular masala vehicle for Brownie Moti in Teri Meherbaniyan

The Man that started it All!

A se hota hai Anil - Yes of course Anil had to be here, and I have to thank him for making 1942 A Love Story and making my first ever film viewing at 2 years old the best film to start my odyssey with. 20 years later, that film is still the most special, wonderful, beautiful to revisit all the time, which is definitely the cheesy reason I had to bring it with me to my new home in the middle of nowhere Canada, because Anil in that movie is just super freaking adorable and can channel an old Hollywood star with his gallant striding around in that film!

Ohh the emo pain of Filmi Bachhas everywhere

S se hota hai Shameful Classics - Of course the week I devised was the best week after Chichi, Khanna-o-Rama, Sridevipalooza, and all the other star related weeks. What was revealed that week was astonishing, lots of you have a lot of besharam films you adore, and hell me included if I managed to be have a BARSAAT cry in Toofan. Naturally I was the one to champion the Shameful icons Uday and Himesh with their earnest acting. I think there's some quote by Steven Spielberg about how if you can find a nugget of goodness in any film, good or rubbish, then that's the magic of cinema, and really that's me! I loved that week for finding the crazy brilliant nuggets from Toofan and Radio, and reading all your discoveries as well!

A se hota hai Amar, Akbar, Anthony - The touchstone of the quintessential Masala film by the Masala auteur of craziness Manmohan Desai, is the film that I can watch over and over to get a zap of my masala power! Its got all my favorite actors, and the best title song and climax ever full of hysteria and hijincks that only Desai can put on the table. There have been many imitations of the Desai way of masala filmmaking and really it doesn't work and you have go back to the source material, and behold the sheer glory of the piece!

The Film that Created My Filmi Pagal Blog!

L se hota hai Love - I wouldn't have made the Masala Pradesh or this glorious blog if I didn't SUPER LOVE Indian films, because naturally when the internet came along and when blogging was the new kid on the block, I just had to chronicle my filmi descent into madness about films. This is the perfect outlet to unleash my overwhelming love for all things Masala, Batshit, and downright Bakwaas. As you'll see I have a ton of lists like the Moustache post at the beginning which shows the extent of my BollyHollyMusical-itis and general pyar for EVERYTHING! And here's for more outpourings of unabashed Looove!

Most people's reaction to my shelf!

A se hota hai Abundance - I just came home this weekend to Vancouver for this celebrate this birthday in a city, and when I got in everything seemed so new, and that includes the dvd shelf. I went upstairs and looked at the 2 sagging shelves that might just split in half carrying the magnitude of the dvds I've bought since being in this country and I've been in Vancouver since 2002! Yes its quite a huge shelf and whenever my grandma or auntyji's from London come over, they shriek and go all Nirupa Roy on me and bemoan my addiction to films. Once a film addict, always a film addict, but even though I'm terrible with budgeting and earn the ire of my parents. I have a pretty fabulous collection of classics from every era, films bought only for Filmi animals and Filmi Bacchas, and the rest is all a hodge podge of anything and everything.

No I'm not really a Moody Vijay in real life

R se hota hai Reality - Yes as I begrudgingly learnt Masala films exist in another universe from Earth and there's no Rahul/Raj persona dragging me out to Switzerland to dance with him, no Chichi ribaldry jokes that sound good in conversation, no Sheroo the Wonder Bird to scratch some annoying person's eyes out in Coolie, no way of seeing life through Manoj's crazy cinematography. BUT there is a way to channel my inner 60's heroine, I can put eyeliner on as high as Saira Banu's, I can try and buy every funky dress in Sharmilee and Purab aur Pachim, I can, I can be fierce like a feisty Asha Parekh, I can buy a ton of vintage sunglasses and walk around looking like Zeenat out of Hare Krishna Hare Ram and I can be a Moody Vijay(my new word of being very angry and vigilante-esque like the Amitabh's Vijay) when things don't go my way!

Aww shucks aren't we all we all so like this!

U se hota hai U R SO GREAT - I copped out, I really don't know a good U word this morning, but you all out there that read this blog are so lovely, funny, and wonderful. Though I haven't met some of you, I'm sure I will one day on my travels, if I do ever get some disciplined budgeting skills WHich I will and we'll oodles(love that word) of fun! So thank you for reading and following me for so long and I hope you stick around for more to come!

I'll be the Guddi that still loves the illusion of the silver screen!

M se hota hai Masti- Yes a very underused word that aptly describes me! Full of masti masala mayhem I am always getting up to many pranks and hijinks. Now that I'm 20, the masti will not stop of course because I think at heart I'll always be that crazy, infectiously enthusiastic, and passionate 16 year old discovering the madness and brilliance of movies! Hopefully the 16 year old spirit won't affect my real world judgments and I'll be that 16 year old chatty kid for the film club I just created at Uni as well!

Well there's my quick birthday post, and I'm kinda glad I didn't spell out Rumnique because there's not really many words other than Queen that describe as well! So I hope you keep coming back for many posts and hopefully for a few more years as well. For wherever there's Masala, lost brothers/hamsters, vigilante Vijays, and singing in fields, there'll be Rum!

Disco Dancer - The Tale of Neurotic Jimmy and Tragic Superstar Sam!

You know you've made it when you've been named as an ice cream!

Well this is a very important post because it's my 100th! And what better way to celebrate than this charming cracktastic disco and downfall masala film? Seeing as this is a hugely momentous day at the Masala Pradesh, I'm going to stretch myself and turn this review into a mock-heroic epic, like 'The Rape of The Lock' but not really, because as brilliant as I am, I am no Jonathan Swift! But as I've taken a bundle of English and writing courses, I thought why not stretch yourself with this amazing film that has 2 wonderful characters that have enough disco ennui and pain to rival other rock stars! Chalo shuroo hojaiye!

Thy faithful addition Sir Wiggle-my-head-alot!

Of Jimmy's first disco dalliance and the pelvis thrusts
Of those Bappi-beats, whose synthesizers
Brought Disco destruction into the Masala Universe
Of Superstar Sam, the prodigal dancer of flailing arms
And shiny costumes, what befalls this bechara?
Ohh heavenly masala muse, I invoke thee to aid my disco tale
To uncover the myths of the creation of the Indian Disco idol
Instruct me to warn other hopeful stars of the folly of shiny clothes
Let not the fate of Superstar Sam affect others
I shall justify the ways of Disco to women/men!
Who first seduced Jimmy to the funky Bappi beats and led him to revolt?
Thy Gold chained Bappi begins our tale with melodious strums from an acoustic guitar
Young Jimmy, a poor urchin beats down on his drums for his daily roti
The awful Maa, keeps our savior attached to her hip
Her tasty roti she feeds him her attachment poison to him:

The shrew feeds him his upcoming Mummy Issues

Ohh how Jimmy dotes on the calculating shrew
Clad in pure white saris, she defiles her title as a Masala Maa
In a garden of riches, Jimmy meets his Eve
A happy song they sing, till her furious father enters
Abuses hurled at Jimmy and his maa
His mind seething with vengeance of breaking his sacred instruments
Mother dearest is thrown to jail to languish away
Ohh but what is this?
Jimmy has made sacred roti for his maa
His mind enslaved by his Maa Issues:Jimmy, the ever-child rock star

The leeching maa is released and insults are pelted her way
They flee to peaceful Goa
Metamorphosis from a humble denizen of the street
To a rather nimble-footed dark and handsome but fragile young man
Revenge bubbles in his mind
Hell hath no fury like a Mithun scorned,
Though full of mature ideas, Jimmy is held back by the shrew
Again the painful cycle repeats
Jimmy allows himself to be fed the poisonous rotis from his stage Maa:

Ohh how vulnerable Disco Maa has made Jimmy!

Alas his mind has moments of unfogginess
And Jimmy realizes that his tuneful songs and his guitar
Grizzled is his conquest for his goal so much that
Jimmy starts to sharpen his guitar and vows to:

The warrior with his instrumental weapon! (I'm so phunny naa)

As Jimmy works his way up the ladder
Performing at Tuntun's wedding to a dwarf
In the Darkness lurks the pouncing and growling Sam
With shiny suits and hairbands, Superstar Sam is known to all
His dance is laughter in motion
Flailing arms, gyrating hips, unmastered pelvis thrusts
Nevertheless Superstar Sam commands the stage,
All the world beckons him to sing his song
"Aawa Awwa Koi Yahaan Aahan Naache Naache"
Yet Sam harbours a corrupted dil,
Like a young Jim Morrison, a talented but rowdy rockstar
He signals to a fan
To make love to him in the green room after:Supestar Star is a music king and refers to himself to recognize his own reverence!

Sam grows drunk on the power of adulation,
He shirks his duties, and drifts further away from his artistic soul
Ohh the music and dancing he once did
A shadow of his former self
Sam refers to himself as Sam as though he knoweth of his greatness in shiny outfits
All Thrown aside for groupies, fugly clothing, and sharaab
David Brown,a young dramatic actor appears on scene
To take his paycheque but lends some gravitas to the tale
Exasperated is he by Sam's rock n disco lifestyle
"You should know the difference between a bedroom and green room"
Unbeknownst to Superstar Sam, this is the beginning of his descent
David Brown, free of the shackles of Sam
Drives around at night and spots a sweaty dancing man
Jimmy emerges in the light!
Ohh how he twists and twirls around,
Ohh the energetic thrusts he does
Ohh the forceful head banging that mirrors that of the author of this epic on a usual day!
What a talent, David has seen
What a future this young fellow will have
He foretells that Jimmy will become an idol
Receiver of Beatles-esque adulation
Ohh the promotional items bearing the prestige of Jimmy's name:

This great man gets more than his 10% of Jimmy's earnings!
And conquer Jimmy shall!

David Brown uncovers the talents of Jimmy and unveils him to the female population

With great fame comes cracktastic wardrobe items
Jimmy croons the spectacular "Krishna Dharti Pe Aaja Tu"
Perhaps the divine Krishna shall not come to the Dharti

To be greeted by Jimmy in a sacreligious cotton wool garnished suit
Or a jacket that recalls the Videotape Monster from "The Mighty Boosh"

Through Jimmy's travails with fame he meets many amorous ladies!
Oooh who's is this impertinent girl throwing shoes at the great Jimmy
It is none other than his Eve, both unknown of their childhood bond
The two young children once sang a happy tune
Both filmi kids bopping heads and shaking hips in sync
Ohh these two handsome folk are simply intertwined by destiny
Except for Jimmy's canny ability to smell through her brain and determine her social status

Ohh masala muse!
Is it thine that has orchestrated the similarities of these two stars
We unearth Superstar Sam screwy relations with his parent
A conniving but ultimately loving father
Ohh poor Sam, his shiny suits stripped of him
Blurry orbs become his regular vision after many a sharaabi night

Masking his pierced ego, he guzzles his bottles of rum down

One fateful night, David Brown visits his daughter
The badly dressed hussy resides with Sam,
Comforting him on the bad days
An enraged and sozzled Sam roars and hisses at David
"How dare thou enter my drunken abode! Nikhal jao yahaan se!!"
Ohh what a tragic fate has befallen this once music king, David muses
The sharaab now controls Superstar Sam's actions
Naturally daaru is spilt, with a fair share of insults!
"I'm still great!" Ohh the words of so many forgotten disco stars!Bechaara Superstar Sam admits that he is a "thing" rather than a star!
Daaru on his manager/father-in-law, Sam is enraged!
Jimmy's hyper reliance on his mother grows to gargantuan heights!

In the upper echeleons of fame, Jimmy neuroses multiply
He accepts some more chawl and dahl poison feeding from his maa
This unspeakable act is committed in public!
Nothing is mentioned of it, but such acts have dire consequences!
The great god of Masala has moved the two pawns
Onto a path that will affect both of their personal lives forever!
A seed is planted by the masala sprites sent from above

Such is the downward spiral of Superstar Sam!

Into Superstar's Sam's head during a heroin high
Sifting through the images of his mind,
Superstar Sam has an idea to kill Jimmy!
With father evilest he hires baddies
To literally turn the amp up to 11 to kill Jimmy
Unfortunately the masala sprites mix their masala dust
Into the wrong hands and the Shrewish Maa hears of the plan
In her taxi she rushes to save her son
Despite feeding him poisonous Freudian issues, Maa loves Jimmy
The Masala Lord above has written the story already
And watches as Maa gets her comeuppance by touching the #11 Guitar!

The Shrew is extinguished but not for long...

Ohh Masala Lord what have thy done?!
Mere Anarchy is loosed upon this disco world
But ohh no I must not question your convolutions my Lord
In the death of his mother, Jimmy neuroses reach the hilt
Masala sprites why hast thou powder flown to the wrong receiver!
Jimmy has turned into a recluse,
Oceans of tears grace his cheeks, never shall he walk on stage again!

I break with the flow to say Karan Razdan is an Acting Genius!

In the depths of Disco Descent,Superstar Sam is rejoicing!
His father evilest is pleased to see his Hell spawn in a better mood
But underneath the maniacal laughter, father evilest is shocked
His prodigal Hell-spawn has gone mad with his addictions
The height of Jimmy's mental issues!

Father reveals that Jimmy has become extremely fragile
The death of his mother horriblest has caused him
Extreme anguish and he cowers when seeing a guitar!

Jimmy's extreme fright at seeing the dreaded guitar! NAHIEEEE

It seems that the Masala universe has been dislodged
Our two guiding lights have succumbed to madness
Ohh Masala Lord, thou hast destroyed talent that thou hast put on this earth!
Jimmy has become afraid of the very instrument he sharpened
To strike and bring the city to its knees under his stardom!
And our tragic Superstar Sam, what shall become of him?
So many lives destroyed over the power of Disco
Fie fie on Disco! Let it wither, let it die!
It perpetuates the cycle of Dard-e-disco
Bappi-beats hath destroyed the wiggly hips of our stars
The shiny costumes hath made them blind of their humble origins
Two men intertwined by their passion for Disco
Have fallen to the depths of Disco Descent trying to conquer it!
Disco ist a killer!
!THE END!

Well there you have my mock-heroic epic, I never did complete my Masala Pradesh Production of Paradise Lost, but I really didn't need to as you can see above! I hope this is as fun to read as it was for me to write up! Disco Dancer is really a freaking epic film that had me hook liner and synthesizer! I'm sure most of you must have this dvd on your shelf and we can all admit that this is the best kind of cult classic that there is! I hope you enjoy my life's crowning achievement of my 19 years! Hell who can claim they wrote a mock heroic epic that too on Disco Dancer! ERRRM MEEE! Enjoy the read and I do promise I shall try and focus on some the actual good and prestige films I have on my shelf!

By the end of this, you'll probably be hooting along with Pagal No.1 Superstar Sam!